Why Does No One Send Me Ice Cream?

The Mariners have fired a scout who sent Jesus Montero a helmet of ice cream during a minor league game, when he thought Montero wasn’t hustling enough.

Heck, I’ll walk really slowly from my office to the bathroom if someone wants to send me free ice cream. I’ll type this post at a snail’s pace if someone’s looking to give me free food, absolutely. I don’t know why Montero had to interpret the incident as an insult instead of just taking the free ice cream and enjoying it. Stadium ice cream isn’t cheap! I usually don’t even treat myself to stadium ice cream because I can’t justify the expense. Especially since the tax deduction goes away once I’m not being paid to write NotGraphs posts anymore.

Gosh, it’s not enough that they get to play baseball professionally, or earn their huge salaries. They also get free ice cream. Some people have all the luck. No one offers writers free food while we’re working. I had to pay for this bowl of grapes I’m eating, and the macaroni and cheese I’m about to reheat for lunch. I bought that pasta (on sale), I bought that cheese (not on sale), and I put them together, taking time I could have spent looking for a better picture of ice cream in a helmet for the top of this post. If someone would just send me a jar of artisanal pickles, or some strawberry rhubarb jam, or even a fancy chocolate bar that’s too expensive to comfortably buy for myself without feeling wasteful, it would make it all worth it. Or at least it would make a tiny bit of it worth it. A couple of sentences. Maybe even a whole post, if it’s a short one.

But, no, instead Jesus Montero gets free ice cream and I get to hope that the beeping of the microwave with the leftover macaroni and cheese doesn’t wake my 11-month-old son from his nap.

Writing this post has just made me too hungry to continue working without taking a lunch break. I need to hit post now.