The Anti-Semitic Urine Collector and other fables

Urine Sample

Ryan Braun starts off his new children’s book series with the charming tale of the Anti-Semitic Urine Collector.

‘Twas the night before Purim
And all through the land
Not a toilet was flushing
Not a plunger in hand

Because out on the sidewalk
In the midst of patrol
Was a weird anti-Semite
Who had but one goal

He was after the urine
The urine of Jews
To test it for steroids
And plaster the news

With a story of cheating
Deception and lies
To be found in the urine
Of circumcised guys

This was not his first village
He’d done this before
Seeking cup-fulls of urine
As he went door to door

“Are you Jewish?” he’d ask
“Yes I’m Jewish,” they’d say
Then please give me some urine
Put this cup in your spray

“No, I have no agenda
This is just what I do”
But he wouldn’t test urine
If you weren’t a Jew

And that is how one man
An innocent one
Got accused of behavior
That he’d never done

Wasn’t him, or his urine
Believe me, it’s true
Just an evil collector
Out framing a Jew.

Oh, what a heartwarming tale. And look for Braun’s next book, “Cubs Fans Hate Children.”

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Benny Profane
8 years ago

This sets the standard for future notgraphs posts. Round of applause.

8 years ago
Reply to  Benny Profane

What are you doing outside the pages of V?

8 years ago
Reply to  Benny Profane

it makes me so happy that notgraphs abounds with stupid baseball jokes and thomas pynchon references. so happy.