Transcript: A Baseball Writer and His Broker Discuss A-Rod

With regard to Carson Cistulli, a certain (and, for the moment, unnamed) Edward Jones representative knows two things — namely, that he (i.e. Carson Cistulli) is (a) not “cash rich” and also (b) a baseball writer of some kind.

With regard to the latter of those two points, the author presents here a lightly edited transcript of a recent phone conversation between himself and the aforementioned Edward Jones representative.

Author: Hello?

Broker: Carson, hi. It’s [name redacted] from Edward Jones.

Author: Oh, hello.

Broker: Hey. Am just calling to confirm that I received those documents you dropped off.

Author: Oh, excellent. Thanks.

Broker: We should have those funds rolled over into your Roth IRA for you pretty quickly here.

Author: Excellent news. Great.

Broker: Yep.

[Awkward pause.]

Author: Yep.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: So, how about this whole A-Rod mess, huh? Can you write that he should be banned forever? [Laughs.]

Author: Well… I try to avoid those messy situations and remain more objective, probably.

Broker: I hear you.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: So, you’d still like those funds invested in the ETF we discussed. When they’re ready, I mean?

Author: Yep. That’s still the plan. Whenever they’re ready.

Broker: Alright.

[Awkward pause.]

Author: Alright.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: Ugh, that A-Rod. What a piece of work.

Author: He certainly has a penchant for seeking out bad publicity.

Broker: Ha! That’s one way of putting it.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: And so, you still wanted to open the separate account for [author’s wife]?

Author: Yep. Still looking good on that front, too.

Broker: Great, great.

[Awkward pause.]

Author: Welp.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: So, what are you working on, then?

Author: About to write a post.

Broker: Oh, really? On…?

Author: I’ll likely mention this phone conversation.

Broker: Oh. In the absence of something more substantive, you mean?

Author: Yeah, most likely.

Broker: Because you’re a one-dimensional writer, you mean, who resorts to tired postmodern turns like this one in lieu of something more compelling?

Author: Well, I…

Broker: Which lack of range and actual talent is why you’ll never earn enough ever to support a family?

Author: Well, I wouldn’t…

Broker: And why your wife will probably leave you, you’ll never remarry, and anyone who attends your (likely imminent) funeral will only do so to point and laugh at your casket?

Author: I, uh…

[Very pregnant and awkward pause.]

Broker: So, how about A-Rod, huh?

[Considerable laughter. Spirited applause. Pulitzer prizes.]