Today in Creepy Vintage Baseball-Themed Memorabilia: Fan & Fannie
Fan and Fannie are the Base Ball Twins. They have heads shaped like baseballs, and torsos shaped like baseballs. They associate with tiny baseball-shaped clones, an ungendered baseball-shaped African-American, and his or her goat. They speak mostly in cryptic questions and unsettling innuendo. They will henceforth haunt your dreams, spring unbidden to your thoughts, and bring you profound existential discomfort. Otherwise, I cannot tell you anything at all about Fan and Fannie.
Oh my dear god. This is terrifying. Honestly, I haven’t been this scared in a long time. Does the cherubic baseball creature want to kill me or F me? Both? In what order?
Undoubtedly, it would hide in your closet and become your friend as it understands you whilest your old parents don’t understand that telling a teacher on your bully won’t help. Eventually, it will want you to murder old Mrs. Connor from down the block. She’s nice and all, but unfortunately she is a devil spawn who needs to be released from her eternal inferno. Your parents are next, but you will realize you kinda like your parents so you turn on the creature. Next thing you know, you are in some alternate universe and you have to fight the thing off with a jewel-encrusted sword that was given to you from your uncle who mysteriously dissapeared after murdering his children. You will stab the creature and throw it off a cliff, but the mountain will begin to crumble. You try to run away and almost fall off a rickety bridge, but your long-lost uncle saves you. You will survive, get back to your own dimension, and live happily ever after…or will you????