This Season’s Special Caps

For the past few years, MLB has honored America with the wearing of gaudy caps that it also sells for money on its Web site and in real stores across the land; from sea to shining sea, if you will.

This has, it would seem, been a huge success. And in 2014, the Major-est of all Baseball Leagues will once again be doing this sort of stuff. And not just on Memorial Day, The Fourth of July Day, and September the Eleventh Day. No! This year, there will be more caps, for more capital-D days.

I got my hands on some copy and artwork of the 2014 caps.

NotGraphs exclusive, yo.

Regard.

The “United States of Awesome” Cap
Memorial Day (May 26), The Fourth of July Day (July 4), and September the Eleventh Day (September 11), and Star-Spangled Banner 200th Anniversary Day (September 14)
Regardless of what Carson Cistulli may choose to believe, America is THE BEST. And America’s flag is the starriest and stripiest, and therefore, THE BEST. so this year MLB will be forcing teams to wear this gorgeous thing on not one, not two, not three, but four occasions.

The “Jesus, Do We Have To?” Cap
Canada Day (July 1)
And because we kinda have to, because, y’know, Toronto: here’s a Canada-colored–oops, sorry, coloured–hat that teams will be wearing on Canada’s Whatevs Day while we listen to their anthem, which is called “Oooh Canada” or something.

The “Woo hoo for Wahoo!” Cap
Native American Day (September 26)
Although this is only a holiday in California, Major League Baseball will be honoring Native American culture league-wide with special Chief Wahoo caps in every team’s colors.

The “Just Like Momma Makes” Cap
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day (April 2)
Who doesn’t love PB&J? (Apart from people with nut allergies.) We celebrate Peanut Butter and Jelly Day because we can and because at least a handful of you will buy this cap. This is America, dammit, we can do what we want.

The “Bug Busters” Cap
Miami Vice Appreciation Day (September 28)
On this, the 30th anniversary of the first episode of the greatest TV show ever, all teams will be wearing caps in pastel shades with a big bug on top, like the “Bug Busters” surveillance van detectives Switek and Zito used.

The “Dear Leader” Cap
Bud Selig Day (July 30)
Our Supreme Commissioner of the Democratic People’s Republic of Major League Baseball celebrates his 80th birthday, and the Democratic People’s Republic of Major League Baseball is blessed to be able to honour Our Supreme Commissioner on his birthday with this commemorative cap with saggy neck skin strap.

The “Respect the Ump!” Cap
Bob Davidson Day (August 3)
Who doesn’t love a sweaty-haired man yelling in his or her face? That’s why on August 3, we will be celebrating Bob Davidson Day with each player wearing a cap with a special miniature Bob Davidson head attachment swinging on the front.