Speaking American: A First Step

This is America, for God’s sake. I should not have to pronounce confusing foreign names like “Nelson Cruz,” and neither should you. Therefore, I propose that we refer to each foreign ballplayer by the closest English translation of his name. As a modest service to my fellow patriots, I have taken the liberty of producing some — in this case, for a sampling of Spanish names of particular relevance. Some interpretive license was involved, and you are welcome to question my translations. Just don’t question my right to call a man whatever I damn well please, no matter how embarrassing.

Let’s make a game of this, and see if you can match these correct names with the improperly named players to whom they will henceforth belong. I’ll start you off with a few softballs.

Anthony Bastard
Jason Castle
Andrew Towers
Caesar Branches
Jesse Keys
Bartholomew Dove
Hector Random
Charles St. Anne
Sergio the Snub-Nose
Michael the Goatherd
Manny the Hammer
Joseph the Baptist
Joseph, Son of Ferdinand
Hannibal, Son of Sancho
George of the Rose
Joseph of the Country House
Danny of the Old Hall
Gerard of the Vine Bower
Wily of the High Rock
Albert of the Little Hillocks
J.P. of the Hawthorn Ford
Joseph of the Millet Fields
Joseph of the Place of the Swans
Hercules of the Broom-Field
John, Son of the Battle Elf
Yovani, Gay and Hard

Also, I just want to share that in preparing this exercise, I learned that “Pujols” is a diminutive of “Puig.”