Some Notes Toward an Improved Vandalism

For those who are unaware, residents of Chicago’s Wrigleyville neighborhood awoke this morning to find that a statue of broadcasting legend and famous drunk person Harry Caray had been tagged under cover of darkest night.

First off, let it be noted that this may or may not represent a case of real-live irony (I’m not very good at telling), as much of Caray’s commentary was of a similar level of coherence as the message his statue now bears.

Second of all, let it be stated immediately that the author has no intention of taking the high road with regard to this situation. I have no idea as to the whereabout of this high road and can find no evidence that Metro Transit of Madison, Wisconsin, offers access to said road. Which is to say: I am not outraged that someone has chosen to besmirch Caray or the Cubs or anything like that.

Rather, the real crime here is not the act of vandalism itself, but rather the manner in which said vandalism has been borne out. It’s obvious from the visual evidence that our pranksters have acted quickly and largely without a plan. While the Cubs have been tasked with physical damages and must clean the statue now, the greatest damage is to White Sox fans as a whole, who must wear a collective yoke of shame for this middling attempt at public mockery.

Compare this case to two recent incidents (in 2007 and 2009) which saw unknown perpetrators hang from this same statue the carcass of a dead goat. It’s clear, given the well-known significance of the goat to Cub lore (and their storied incompetence), that this represents true excellence in the art of mischief.

What makes for a successful fan prank? One can’t say for sure. But here are probably some decent criteria for such a thing:

1. Be hilarious.
This is quite broad, but true nonetheless. If a description of the prank isn’t at least chuckle-inducing, then it will probably only reflect poorly on the perpetrators of same.

2. Reference historical, or otherwise well-known, embarrassments.
The Cubs have been bad for a very long time, and it’s imcumbent upon opposing fans to remind them of this fact with relative frequency. Fans of the late-90s and early-aughts incarnations the Red Sox were entirely helpless against chants of “19-18.”

3. Embrace vulgarity, but do so wisely.
In his famous 16th century work Pantagruel, Rabelais features a lengthy description of a wall made exclusively of disembodied vaginas, and yet somehow he (i.e. Rabelais) also occupies a rather important place in the Western Canon. There’s a lesson to be learned here.

4. Be audacious.
Students of MIT have famously performed a series of hacks — many of them involving the Great Dome, which is visible from many areas of campus. Among the objects students have (illegally) placed atop said Dome, we find a giant model Torino 2006 Olympics Medal, a replica of the first Wright Brothers airplane, and an MIT Campus Police car. Such conspicious daring gives a real sense of energy to a prank.

5. Timeliness is important.
While the present incident has received its share of media attention, it would have been much more noteworthy were it to’ve occurred on Opening Day, say, or during the playoffs. (Although, given the unlikelihood of the latter contingency, maybe Opening Day is a better idea.)

Image courtesy The Wrigley Blog.