REPORT: Man Paralyzed by Search for Exact Right Ballcap

DOWNTOWN — A local man was hospitalized early this morning after experiencing acute paralysis of his interior self, a condition which doctors believe is the direct result of a protracted and ultimately fruitless search for the exact right new ballcap ahead of the upcoming season.

Patrick O’Connell, the 26-year-old grad student who suffered the episode, is in critical but stable condition.

“We’re only now piecing together the details,” said Rakesh Mehta, a spokesman for the hospital. “It appears, however, as though the patient was intent on finding a hat that simultaneously demonstrated some manner of historical and regional significance, exhibited pleasing aesthetic qualities, and finally was also distinct enough so as to telegraph to others (mostly men) his sophistication as a consumer. A complicated endeavor, all told.”

According to Anthony Lefebvre, the detective assigned to the case, O’Connell appears to have “descended into a black hole of increasingly obscure online vendors” in search of the relevant hat, beginning at first with just the MLB team store for his favorite club, but then moving on to Ebbets Field Flannels, Ideal Cap Company, and then just some guy on Etsy who makes each cap by hand.

His browser history indicates that, at the time of his medical emergency, O’Connell was attempting to locate a replica hat for a Federal League club from the mid-1910s that played half a season before folding.

“To be fair, that would be pretty awesome to have,” conceded every man within earshot of that particular report.