Pondering the Fan’s Wardrobe

Men’s fashion — it’s so often a rich union of the awful and the too clever by half. The same, of course, goes for the male sports fan, who seems to take preternatural delight in assaulting good taste about the head, neck, shoulders, and groin. This enduring truth places before us a challenge, a bejeweled gauntlet if you will: what’s the greatest possible fan outfit that can be concocted using items presently available through the bellwether fashion portal that is MLB.com?

Since my professed loyalties are to the St. Louis Cardinals, I’m going to restrict myself to the fetching threads available at their designated Internet haberdashery. Come with me, won’t you? And don’t forget your Player’s Club cards!

We begin with the lid, a category flush with options. But I have chosen …

Ah, yes. No look is complete without a nod, in hat form, to the Affliction t-shirt. This cap says, “While I enjoy watching a leisurely game of base and ball in the summer sun, I’m also fond of crane-kicking strangers in the throat.”

Now for some stylish outerwear …

In case you feared I would not bring the pleather, fear not: I have brought the pleather. Such a jacket, it queries: Am I a motorscooter-with-sidecar enthusiast or an aging Power Ranger?

On the other hand, the jacket, wondrous though it may be, won’t be worn for long after reaching your seats because you don’t want to hide for a moment too long The Shirt of All Gods …

I traffic in words, but I lack them right now.

You tell me this perfect thing costs a mere $140? I tell you that Bernanke and his band of federales need to start worrying about uncontrolled deflation because there’s no way this shirt should cost anything less than a thousand billion Euros. You can buy one; I’ll buy the rest. And to those who mourn the fall of Chess King: Know hope.

Now — as sadly and tyrannically required by most local ordinances — pants:

Inspired choice? Not entirely, but my choices — much like my life — were limited to a menu of lounge pants. And when choices are limited, I always ask myself: What would Sinn Fein wear? This. They would wear this, especially if policy decisions in the service of a united Ireland can be made from a comfy sectional, which I assume they can be.

And because gentlemen prefer deck shoes …

Deck shoes! They evoke the game with the red stitching, the team logo and the hue of pine tar and/or sadness! Also, while these are not Oleg Cassini tassled loafers, they do, much like Oleg Cassini tassled loafers, force the velvet ropes of the poshest clubs with the poshest table service to recoil for you and your evening companion!

And to complete our look, I must turn to something inexplicably not for sale at MLB.com. I think you’ll agree that sometimes rules must be broken — snapped! — like saplings that block the view of something you yearn to behold. Something like this …

That may or may not be yours truly wearing a Cardinals-themed wrestling mask that I may or may not have purchased at the Wicker Park Street Festival last summer. None of that is certain. What is certain is that you will find all of these items in the distinguished gentleman’s finest oaken chiffonier.