Pirates Announce Name Change

Pittsburgh — In the wake of a devastating Game 5 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals, Pittsburgh Pirates team president Robert Nutting announced that, effective immediately, the club will be known by a different name.

“I’m sick of the name calling,” Nutting said in a press conference. “I’m sick of the offensive, and frankly unimaginative monikers that fans of a certain team have associated with this proud and storied ball club. So, as of this point forward, we will now be known as the Shitsburgh Butt Pirates.”

Nutting told the press that he decided to change the name while he was leaving Busch Stadium in St. Louis, minutes after the Cardinals beat the Butt Pirates to move on to the NLCS.

“I heard so many hateful things being spouted about my team from the St. Louis fans,” he said.  “It sickened me. This is a team with a great history. From Roberto Clemente to Honus Wagner to Wilbur Cooper to Bob Friend, this club has been a mainstay in the sport. It saddens me to do this, to bend to the will of Cardinals fans, but I feel it’s in the best interest of the Shitsburgh Butt Pirates to do so. I’m treating this as a battle, and taking away the enemy’s weapons.”

Nutting had originally planned on using a more traditional “I Know You Are but What Am I?” approach to the problem, and even considered the “Takes One to Know One” strategy famously invented by Lee Iacocca, but ultimately decided that the re-naming of the team was the most effective plan.

The Butt Pirates will begin work on a significant rebranding process immediately, with plans to have it completed before the beginning of the 2014 season.

(h/t to @BestFansStLouis)