There will likely be no epic poems written about the encounter between right-handed submariner Ben Grezlovski (of Puerto Rican League club Mayaguez) and Mexican Pacific League club Obregon’s shortstop Jesus Lopez — an encounter which, if you don’t already know, ended with a double by Lopez — but there will be a blog post written about it. This one, actually. Because baseball in early February is notable, jerks.
I bought this book of National League logo cross-stitch patterns (featuring the Expos logo and the Astros’ dome logo!! So excited to embroider those on everything I own) in a fit of I-just-got-my-tax-return-back-ness the other night, but I have a lot of questions for this guy. Like,
1. Is there whiskey in that coke?
2. Did you make the Phillies hat, Dodgers polo, Mets’ ashtray (?), and Giants’ baseball-stuff-holder-for-the-wall, or did your wife make them all and give them to you? If the former, cool. Really. If the latter, how come she’s not in the picture, huh?
3. How did you come to be a fan of all of those teams?
4. Where did you get those jeans?
5. Can I have some popcorn?
6. How about that butterscotch, grandma?
7. Did you feel like you looked silly in that hat, and that’s why you’re not wearing it? I can relate to that. I always buy hats but I think I look dumb in them. Regardless, it’s a cool hat. It reminds me of my softball team when I was eight because we were the Phillies and our outfits were maroon.
8. What were you about to say?
9. Isn’t that actually a softball back there? Really, dude?
10. Where do you get your hair cut?
If anyone can track this guy down and ask him these questions for me, I will sew the logo of their favorite NL team onto anything they own.
Analysts will tell you that Glenn Braggs was a decent, if not particularly great, ballplayer, worth 7.7 WAR over 2609 major-league plate appearances. Scouts — like, if you went back to 1983 or whatever — scouts would tell you that they thought highly of Braggs’ tools and physique. The present author would speak highly of Braggs’ coiffure and note that, while one wouldn’t necessarily set one’s watch to such a haircut, one could certainly admire it as a product of design and industry.
All of us, however, would be forced to agree that, Glenn Braggs broke an effing bat across his own muscled back and then recounted the salient details of that episode for Mike Sola and Mike Sola’s mustache.
“Some Common Weaknesses Illustrated” by Mr. @cistulli is only $0.99 for the Kindle. It’d be rude not to buy it at that price.
— Craig Robinson (@flipflopflying) January 26, 2012
I’ve got to admit, it was pretty fantastic listening to a Britisher, the one and only Mr. Craig Robinson, talk about baseball, among other things, last week on FanGraphs Audio. That accent, man; gets me every time. Although, I will say, it pained me deeply to learn that the legend behind Flip Flop Fly Ball, the man who’s led me — led all of us — on numerous baseball infographic adventures, is a New York Yankeees supporter. The horror.
Anyway, after listening to Mr. Robinson wax poetic about baseball, Mexico City, and the remix of R. Kelly’s “Feelin’ On Your Booty,” I came across his tweet, embedded above, about the works of NotGraphs’s Supreme Leader, Carson Cistulli. As a Canadian, and therefore the definitive opposite of “rude,” I felt it was my patriotic duty to buy “Some Common Weaknesses Illustrated.” I mean, the cover alone is worth the $0.99. (Or $1.03 Canadian.) And, let me tell you, the book didn’t disappoint. Cistulli is one of the greatest poets of our time; a real-life Rafael de la Ghetto, if I may.
Observers of Twitter, home to Hot Sports Opinions, will be relieved that last night’s Jeff Passan-Old Hoss Radbourn contretemps have been resolved to the satisfaction of all vested parties. Admire the Glasnost:
The cockles, they’re heating up. Of course, one particular dry-gulcher is unimpressed:
This, a thousand times. I have long suspected that “Jeff Passan” is actually Blackguard Sinistero, that scoundrel of low breeding whose sole purpose is to steal the merchant’s jewels, the vicar’s standing and the duchess’s maidenhood.
In which images of the base-balling Reuschel brothers, Rick and Paul, are paired with befitting movie titles …
(Image courtesy of Timlandia)
Once, Glen Gorbous was included by the Cincinnati Redlegs in a trade to the Phillies for Smoky Burgess, the 29th best ML catcher of all time.
Once, in 1957, after his major league career was already over and while playing American Association ball in Omaha, Glen Gorbous threw a baseball 445 feet, 10 inches, which remains a record today.[1]
Dear NotGraphs,
For the past 2+ years, I have worked as a prosecuting attorney. After a full year of handling felony offenses, I find myself overwhelmed by the enormous caseload and constant stress of being exposed to our community’s seedy criminal underbelly. Lately, thoughts of changing my occupation have been gaining momentum in my mind. On top of that, my league’s keepers are tied to where they were drafted the previous year. All teams must keep three players: one pitcher, one batter, and one of either. Which of the following players would you recommend keeping: Ryan Braun (taking the place of my 2nd round pick), Joey Votto (5th round), Robinson Cano (1st round), Jacoby Ellsbury (9th round), David Price (14th round), Madison Bumgarner (16th round), Jair Jurrjens (21nd round), or Doug Fister (22nd round)? Please keep in mind that my student loans from law school still total over $130,000. Thank you kindly for your advice.
P.S. It’s a 10-team points league with standings based on total points accumulation over the entire season. Each hitter’s position has a 162 games played limit, and there is a 1500 IP limit for the entire pitching staff. My student loans are on an income-based repayment plan, with the balance to be forgiven if I reach 10 years of employment for a government agency or nonprofit.
Sincerely,
Concerned in Colorado
Dear Concerned,
Fortunately, you’ve touched on my two areas of fake expertise, fantasy baseball and the law. Let’s start with your keepers. First, I have to assume that Ryan Braun is off the table, given that you work for law enforcement. What kind of example would it set if prosecutors could own steroid scofflaws on their fantasy teams? I was afraid to even bid on Barry Bonds in fantasy auctions when I was in law school. Also, I’m almost certain I read recently that anyone who’s ever owned Ugueth Urbina is under house arrest until 2024. Okay, until they officially decide on Braun’s appeal, I guess he’s presumed innocent, but you know better than I do that no one who’s accused of anything is ever actually innocent. So he’s out.
On the meat-strewn convention floor, everything is decided by a mere preponderance, which, by design, lends itself to social discord and raised fists in the streets of America, which, in turn, leads to an agitated police force, which, in turn, leads to slaughterous crackdowns, which in turn delights the ruling class. And so it is with the nomination hootenanny for “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer.” The piles of dead speak to the rigors of the process, though, being dead, they speak not at all.
Nonetheless the Maximum Culminating Exchequer — the Maximum Culminating Sexchequer — has vetted the list and culled it for the betterment of the State. You may select, at great personal peril, from the following 10 names. So who, expendable citizens, shall be nicknamed “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer”?
Thank you for exercising the franchise.
Literally zero people have ever asked me how they, too, might one day become a superstar of the baseball blogging community.
But for anyone who has ever even wondered it — like, just for second, while peeing in a disgusting men’s bathroom somewhere — the answer is this: make a Shepard Fairey-esque print inspired by the words from Boston Globe sportswriter Peter Abraham’s most recent tweet.
