As was made mostly clear by way of their 2-1 defeat of Ghana, what the US national team makes up for with pluck and want-to, it probably lacks in terms of overwhelming skill so far as the world’s game is concered. This isn’t entirely surprising, of course: not only is soccer in its infancy, relatively speaking, within the States, but there are also multiple other sports which tend to draw potentially transcendant talent in other directions.

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You’ve read News of the Weird, right? Well, what’s weird is that this news is weirder – so weird, in fact, that fiction is no longer subordinate to truth.

Beginning this week, former slugger Jose Canseco will embark on a 10-week, 17-city tour in efforts to break the official world record for the longest home run. At the same time, former slugger Rafael Palmeiro is embarking on a similar tour in efforts to break the official world record for the longest denial.

As part of its 2014 Series 2, Topps has produced baseball cards that feature sabermetric stats such as TZR and WPA. In a similar marketing ploy, Upper Deck is releasing a series of Cubs cards that feature LOL and WTF.

Early last week, after a contentious weekend game, Baltimore’s Manny Machado apologized for throwing his bat at Oakland third baseman Alberto Callaspo. Later this week, Callaspo will apologize for not throwing it back.

On Sunday, Seattle first baseman Logan Morrison responded to a fifth-inning failure – a pop-up with runners in scoring position – by smashing his bat. Meanwhile, former Seattle forward and 11-time father Shawn Kemp responded to a string of successes by smashing his balls.
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When I was asked by Signore Cistulli if I would consider regularly debasing myself to contribute to NotGraphs, I read between the lines and saw the invisible words “post stuff that appeals to as few readers as possible.” Today, I present something that appeals to a tiny demographic. You, as a NotGraphs reader, are in a small subset of all baseball fans. Discerning, right? Not the normal meathead home run fuck yeah bozos. A smaller subset of you NotGraphs readers are New Order fans. An even smaller subset of you New Order-lovin’ NotGraphs readers are graphic design nerds. This post is for you.

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Ow. That hurt. I’ll be okay, but– ow. And what the **** did I do? I didn’t make Drew-bear pitch like **** or– oh, Drew-bear? Yeah, that’s just my little pet name for him. He’s usually like a gentle, little cub, pawing around my seat, sitting down so delicately and rubbing himself up against my slats. But that’s the way with so many abusers, isn’t it? They lull you into a false sense of trust, of kinship. He told me secrets. He whispered them into my cushion late at night, when it was just the two of us and maybe a table– but you know tables, they barely even have a consciousness, you can’t worry about what a table overhears. We shared so much. I remember the time he spilled water on me. And then he lapped it up, just like a cat.

I mean, I guess there were warning signs. In the heat of passion, he once threw me against a locker — he apologized, he said it would never happen again. I still have a mark — you can see it if you look closely at the grain. I would have gone to the carpenter for treatment but Drew-bear asked me not to say anything. And when he looks at you with those eyes, it’s hard to say no. I just slapped some wood glue on it and kept my mouth shut. He was sweet when he wasn’t abusive. The TV told me Drew-bear hit him too, but you can never believe what the TV says. Hopefully whoever replaces Drew-bear on the roster will have a nice, soft tushie and a calm disposition. I just hope they don’t get that Canseco guy back, from a long time ago (56 years ago in chair-years). He was the worst. And once injected me with termites.

Oh, ****, I think I’m splintering. ****. ****, ****, ****. That means they’re going to put me on the DL too. ****, Drew-bear, why’d you have to **** me up? The players don’t think about it, but we work hard too. I spent a decade in the minors– Stockton, Visalia, Costco– before finally getting a chance up here. And now I’m gonna lose my spot to some couch with good (sleep-)numbers. I was six months from qualifying for a pension! Six months!

**** you, Drew-bear. **** you and all creatures with fists. ****.

It’s not uncommon — with the dinner hour approaching — it’s not uncommon for a gentleman or -lady to partake of such a beverage as might stimulate the appetite and brighten the mood. An apéritif, is how one generally calls this brand of libation.

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While, at first blush, this GIF of Charlie Blackmon (courtesy of Twitter user @ChadMoriyama) may seem like an actual low-light as far as Charlie Blackmon is concerned, it’s only because we are looking at it through the wrong scope. When put through the NotGraphs Magic GIF Reverser (i.e. my very expensive laptop), we can now see the beauty in this act.

This is not a bumbling outfielder chasing down a ball in haste and self pity. This is a man romancing his childhood, a puppy chasing a whisper, a keynote presentation at a capoeira convention.

Behold. This is no longer a low-light played backward. It is a lusty tango played forward.

This has been Highlights in Reverse.

LOS ANGELES — Dodgers pitcher Chad Billingsley will have decade-ending surgery this week to repair seventeen partially torn flexor tendons in his right elbow.

Billingsley, who had already been working his way back from Tommy John surgery on the same elbow, Tommy Hilfiger surgery on the opposite elbow, and John Quincy Adams surgery on six of his feet, is hopeful he can pitch again in 2020, or maybe 2025.

“I’ll have spent the majority of my adult life in rehab, but I’ve got to do it,” Billingsley said. “Or at least the terms of my contract say I have to do it. So I’ll do it. They tell me it should only be five or six years of rehab, so that’s good. I’ll catch up on a bunch of old New Yorker issues I’ve been saving. I hear there are some good George Saunders stories in a few of them. I love George Saunders.”

The surgery will be performed by a team of thirty-six doctors over the course of nine days, with provisions being flown in by the National Guard to keep the entire 108-member surgical team properly hydrated.

Billingsley began having surgeries when he appeared on the FOX reality show, “The Swan,” insisting that he wanted to look “more like a surgical patient” than he had been appearing until that point. His elbow initially began bothering him when he was a six-months-developed fetus, but he was hopeful he could avoid surgery until he finished his pitching career.

The Dodgers were initially hopeful Billingsley could disappear, so they could avoid paying his salary, especially after he had setbacks at each step of his rehab, including during each step he took to get to the rehab center. (He lost at least four tendons on the concrete path from the parking lot to the main entrance.)

The Dodgers signed Billingsley to a three-year, $35 million contract extension in March 2011. There is a dispute about whether the contract is valid, since Billingsley was unable to actually sign the physical document, due to elbow pain.

Despite having joined the European Union at the beginning of last July, Croatia remains excluded from the Schengen Area — a place both different from and also similar to the Swimsuit Area. As a result, the citizens of that same proud republic (i.e. Croatia) still conduct their money business by means of the kuna.

Apropos of his recent visit to Croatia, the author has produced a default Excel chart of the top-five MLB payrolls as expressed in either kuna or maybe kune, the latter representing the plural nominative form of the relevant noun.

Somewhere over 1.25 billion kuna, is how much the Dodgers are currently spending on their roster — enough, that, to purchase approximately 18.75 million liters of travarica, a strong herbal liqueur, from Caffe Bar Lero, located in central Zadar.

I’m in a 5×5 keeper league, languishing in last place (Fielder, Verlander, Holliday, etc). I’ve spent the past three weeks working day and night to dump some of my veterans for prospects who could potentially help me turn this around in the future, but obviously underperforming old guys are a pretty hard sell. Nevertheless, I took each team’s roster and spent hours entering projections and running simulations to demonstrate that my proposed deals were fair, and they should take the risk of, say, a Holliday turnaround in exchange for a risky bet like Noah Syndergaard. Hours on the phone, missed tons of family stuff, really dedicated my past few weeks to this and got a whole bunch of blue-chip prospects and risky wild cards (Danny Salazar, etc). My question: is my wife going to leave me?

Yes.

I’m in a crazy dynasty keeper league, we have three in-season drafts to pick up new guys, just had one after work last week to grab players from the draft. I ended up with Rodon and Pentecost and feel pretty good about that, but I feel pretty terrible about the fact that I missed my wife’s 12-week ultrasound to go to the draft, told her I had to work late but she found out I was lying. My question: is my wife going to leave me?

Yes.

After years of putting our league before our family, my husband somehow convinced me things would be better if I joined the league too and became fantasy-baseball-crazy like him. Turns out I actually love it, it’s been the best spring of our marriage, we’re both now totally into it, we spend more time together than ever before and don’t hate each other because of it. Problem is I’m demolishing him, am in first place by a whole bunch, basically stole Tanaka and Josh Donaldson from him in an early-season trade, and he’s in eighth place with no hope, mopes around the house all day, blames me for his sucky team. My question: is my husband going to leave me?

Yes.

I was about the pull the trigger on a great deal, had the e-mail written, just needed to push send, and I suddenly started vomiting blood. Went to the ER, the e-mail never got sent, and by the time I got back to my phone, the guy had pulled the offer. The blood is just the tip of the iceberg– everything that could be coming out of me is coming out of every orifice. Doctors say it’s a medical mystery. How do I get the guy to offer the trade again?

Sorry. You probably can’t. Good luck.

I think I accidentally traded my daughter for Carlos Gomez. Wife is furious. Well, sometimes. Depends on her mood. Was it a good deal?

Not sure.

Is it actually the middle of the season yet?

Not quite. Soon.