Recently while gazing self-pleasuringly at the Pitch Type leaderboards, I had a spasm of analytical curiosity. (Don’t worry, these don’t last long.) Who sees the fastest fastballs? I asked myself. The simple answer is just a sort away: Jose Bautista, with an FBv of 92.5. There are no fewer than four Yankees in the top eight, led by Alex Rodriguez, who has faced heaters this year averaging 92.4 mph. But this isn’t so remarkable, I realized, as it might look at first. After all, A-Rod & Co. (as well as Joey Bats) happen to inhabit the hardest-throwing division in baseball, with power pitchers like David Price, Matt Moore, and Jon Lester padding those averages. What would this leaderboard look like if we somehow accounted for that?

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Kind sir,

Warmest regards,
Hurricane Superfly

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Ichiro Suzuki, for those who do not know, is in every Japanese commercial. In 2005, the Kokkai ratified into law a mandate requiring Japanese commercials to contain either Ichiro or Arnold Schwarzenegger. In 2006, a second law retroactively required commercials to include at least the image of Ichiro’s face in even the Schwarzenegger commercials, an addition that most commercial producers had already been doing for several years.

Anyhoot, some Japanese product called Yunker — which we can safely assume is an energy drink either made for cats or by cats because everything in Japan has to do at least partially with cats — made a pair of astounding new commercials featuring the face of Japan. They are here:

I ask: Are these commercials real? Now I put it to you to the max:
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All things considered — or just, like, one thing considered — Marlins right-hander Josh Johnson had rather a poor game Saturday night (box). He pitched only three innings, for example, but conceded two homers. And also ten hits, he allowed. And also six runs.

Another thing that happened in the game was very newly acquired first baseman Adrian Gonzalez hit a home run in his inaugural Dodger plate appearance. And Andre Ethier went 4-for-4. And Clayton Kershaw struck out — as he does — struck out over a quarter of the batters he faced.

All of which is to suggest that there’s no shortage of readymade narratives for Saturday night’s Dodger victory over the Marlins. And yet, for those right-thinking readers whose main concern is to isolate moments of breathless and conspicuous genius, the story of the game might very well be Josh Johnson’s first-inning slider to Hanley Ramirez.

This first-inning slider, in fact:

From the recently traded infielder’s Twitter account, an image of the recently traded infielder with recently traded teammates Josh Beckett and Adrian Gonzalez — in grave emotional pain, all of them.

There are people who will suggest to you, in your life, that “Violence is not the answer.” Those people are right, provided the question is something to the effect of, “What is the best way to resolve a conflict?”

That said, there are some questions to which “violence” is the answer — like, for example, “What is a means by which the Houston Astros field ground balls to the pitcher’s left?” “Violence” was the answer to that question on August 7th. It was also the answer to that question during the bottom of the fourth of the Astros’ game against the Mets today.

Regard, Fernando Abad and Jason Castro getting physical on R.A. Dickey’s unintentional bunt situation:

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We’ve all encountered it at some point in our lives: in little league, the playground at recess, during our short stint playing alongside Daryle Ward in independent ball. The situation: you’re running to first, and standing in your way is the first baseman, ball in glove, ready to apply the tag. As you run forward, you wait for the exact moment and then make The Move, also known as the Top Gun move: hit the brakes and watch them fly right by. A quick feint to our left, the fielder stumbles forward, chagrin already dawning upon him, as you sidestep and proceed down the line. You reach first safely, the crowd cheers and throws down roses, and a sandwich is named in your honor.

Of course, the move has never worked for you. Nor has it ever worked for me. The probable reason: you have never tried it against Miguel Cairo. From last night’s Reds-Phillies game, bottom of the ninth, man on first:

There’s just so much happening in those first ten seconds. To recap:

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I have an affinity for baseball-related hip-hop music, and the above — “Put Me in the Game” — comes to us from Athens, Alabama’s G-Side, as featured in 2K Sports’ MLB 2K12, which I recently bought in order to electronically change the fate of my beloved Blue Jays.

If you like the track, you can download it here. I checked; it isn’t available on iTunes.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why do you pout?
Are you worried you’ll make a fly ball out?
What’s that sad face all about?
You’re the best rookie in baseball, no doubt.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why are you sore?
You’re the league’s best player, says Fangraphs WAR!
Did they run out of Mountain Dew at the store?
Check back tomorrow, they’ll surely have more.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why are you sad?
Did you forget to TiVo the new Breaking Bad?
Did Pujols say something mean ‘bout your dad?
Or did you remember that nightmare you had?

Oh, Mike Trout.
It’ll all be O.K.
You aren’t wealthy now, but you will be some day.
You’ll buy a nice watch with liquid crystal display.
And a beautiful home down in Barnegat Bay.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why must you fret?
Did your cousin crash his souped-up Chevette?
May I suggest hearing a nice string quartet?
Some Bartók would raise your spirits, I bet.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Not a classical fan?
Perhaps you’re more of a death metal man.
Maybe you enjoy the stylings of Steely Dan?
Switch out the music, but stick to the plan.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why do you pout?
Are you worried you’ll make a fly ball out?
What’s that sad face all about?
You’re the best rookie in baseball, no doubt.

Is Charlie Blackmon just 3-for-21 since his recall this past Saturday (to replace Carlos Gonzalez, who’s on the bereavement list) — or is he 1-for-1 in an at-bat that will repeat ad infinitum?