TBS’s INNOVATIVE STAT boxes imply the statistic displayed within is fresh,  saucy, and state-of-the-flippin-art. OPS, however,  hasn’t been fresh or state-of-the-flippin-art since like 1984, though it retains bits of its original sauce. With that in mind, I made lists of other things that were once innovative but now lack some component of freshness, sauciness, or state-of-the-flippin-artness.  

INNOVATIVE MEDICINE

Bloodletting Techniques

Leeches

Scarification

Forearm/Neck Venesection

Drill a Hole in their Head

INNOVATIVE TERRITORIAL DIVIDES

Duchy (by Grand-ness)

Grand Duchy of Luxembourg

Grand Duchy of Lithuania

Grand Duchy of Saxe-Weimar-Eisenach

All the Duchies I bought playing Dominion

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MLB.com uncovers the close friendship between Hyun-Jin Ryu and Juan Uribe.

Dodgers catcher A.J. Ellis doesn’t understand it.

Manager Don Mattingly is puzzled, too.

Members of Korean media who have followed pitcher Hyun-Jin Ryu since he was a teenager are tickled, but they are not completely surprised the rookie’s best friend on the team is Juan Uribe, a player many think he wouldn’t have much in common with.

“It’s like the Odd Couple, him and Uribe get along so well,” Mattingly said. “It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

Like here, where Ryu slaps Uribe.

Or here, where they smack each other.

Or here, where they dance.

Isn’t it crazy that people of two different ethnicities can be friends?! It’s almost like we live in a multicultural world! Next thing you know, men and women will be allowed to shake each other’s hands.

These numbers appear on our website in different places, and the equation makes sense, if not math sense. Do you know what this means?

10.7 (24.7 + 23.4) = 4:19

Juan Uribe’s exploits, in GIF form, are best paired with the following Henry Miller quote:

“For every million born 999,999 are doomed to die and never be born again. But the one that makes a home run is assured of life eternal.”

Congratulations, Juan Uribe. You are forever.

Thanks for the GIF, @ChadMoriyama. You are appreciated.

Though regarded in our time as the Father of Western Thought, it was by embracing his own ignorance and asking almost exclusively questions of his interlocutors that Socrates sought out wisdom.

Nor has the Socratic tradition lost its relevance as a rhetorical device in the modern age. One finds, for example, in the footage embedded here, Oakland right-hander Grant Balfour utilizing an urgent line of inquiry to better understand Detroit designated hitter Victor Martinez’s impressions of the world.

Asks Balfour of Martinez: “Why the fuck you looking at me, man?” And also: “What’s your fucking problem, man?” One notes immediately the deep similarities between this brief exchange and much of Plato’s Phaedrus.

It was only a matter of time, I guess. I bit my tongue because he’s my boss and it seemed harmless and all. But now Carson Cistulli and his francophonic spouse and his francophonic article category have given Google the impression that not only do I speak French, but that I live in Europe and purchase mes voitures with yonder “Euros” currency:

NO. WRONG. I buy my cars not with “Euros,” but “Americas.”

Good. Old fashioned. You. Ess. Dee.

WHAT MORE TROUBLING: The NSA only needs 51% proof of foreignness in order to peruse my emails, download my browsing history, or lock me in the Federal Reserve for 71 months of grueling interrogation.

Moreover, you, the person reading this, have probably just crossed that 51% threshold yourself. More than likely, you’ve read some FranceGraphs, you’ve adopted a Curacaoan name, and you’ve watched Yu Darvish GIFs. Welcome to the 51%, my dear reader.

So: Well done, Carson. You’ve doomed us all.

“Sonny gets sunnier day by day by day…” –Paul Simon

Billy Beane’s not a player,
he just walks a lot—
well, mostly it’s pacing through the muck
through the bleach smell
the rare scintilla from the dugout.
In the corridors, here, they store stuff
Billy don’t know what.
Billy don’t know how
but it’s essential.

Other places you go, some of the places
Billy played
it’s like this stuff doesn’t exist—
the cleaners and the men who wield them
wield mops, strings, cords.
Stuff you could kill yourself with.
That’s all hidden other places.
Here, it’s been flushed out
by nature:
rain and shit backing up the bay
spreading out the brown.

Then you’re down one-nothing.

But then there’s something Sonny
does—doesn’t hump the yacker up there
(the yellow hammer that bests Verlander)
a Vogt of lightning at the end of the night game—

the slight rhymes come to Billy now.
They’re essential, too, he knows.
Like the cleaners, the natural rhymes of quiet thought
are reminders how it all fits:
shifts, platoon splits, shits, bleach
repeat.

Eventually, it’ll all be clean.

Friends, I’m so sorry. I was supposed to get this review to you last Friday, but stupid Gregg Doyle and his stupid take on stupid celebrations got in my way and prevented me to from recapping the latest episode of ABC’s new sitcom, Back In the Game, about a single mother who moves back in with her ex-ballplayer dad, and tries to coach her son’s Little League team. Thanks to Carson for taking a break from his usually autocratic, by the numbers leadership style, and letting me post this today

Now, times are tough for the little sitcom that could. Nielson says it earned a 2.2 rating for its series premiere, which was better than what ABC finished the year with in 2012-2013, but also their lowest sitcom debut since 2009. Last week, that number dropped by 14 percent, so it’s probably a matter of time before this is replaced by re-runs of Modern Family.

In the interim, let’s enjoy the time we have together.

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Another year, another crop of new releases to fill the long winter, until Spring Training starts up again. These are not those books.

Mariano Rivera: Bowel Movements of the Final Season — a day-by-day diary of Rivera’s gastrointestinal system, offering insights to young pitchers who want to know how often they should defecate if they want to throw a killer cutter. Does looser stool mean more velocity? How many sheets of toilet paper were used per save? No detail is too small to celebrate as Rivera took his final lap around the restroom and flushed his career down the Monument Park toilet.

Fifty Shades of Sonny Gray — the story of one playoff game, and a pitcher who is beautiful, brilliant, intimidating, and enjoys free ice cream samples.

Just went to Cold Stone sampled every flavor of ice cream and walked out. #apennysavedisapennyearned

— Sonny Gray (@SonnyGray2) October 3, 2013

Dusty’s Small Book of Statistics — volume one in a one-volume set, with almost three pages of Dusty Baker’s favorite numbers and sabermetric analysis from his two decades of managing. Re-live Dusty’s parade of leadoff hitters, including Darren Lewis (OBP .299, .345, .299), Willy Taveras (.273), and Zack Cozart (.261). With fewer total words than Mark Prior’s average pitch count, this book is sure to become a classic, perfect for reading in one elevator ride. (WARNING: book will clog bases if flushed.)

Becoming Mr. March, by Jackie Bradley (with Dan Shaughnessy?) — a look back at Jackie Bradley’s historic 2013 spring training season, as he helped lead the Red Sox to a 17-17 record this past spring. Featuring 32 pages of color photos, and, with no negativity intended toward whatever might become of Bradley’s career in the future, a sober reminder that spring training statistics should only excite us long enough to mess up our fantasy baseball drafts, and not beyond.

Bud Forever: Celebrating Bud Selig’s 185 Years As Baseball Commissioner — read Bud’s first-person account of what it was like to stand by Alexander Cartwright’s side as he invented the game of baseball, and then lead the sport through the Dead Ball era, the Live Ball era, the Greenies era, the Divisional Play era, the Steroids era, and the End of Bud Selig era. The book is available at most retailers, except any retailers within 100 miles of a baseball stadium, because of blackout restrictions.

The Catcher in the Ryu — a coming-of-age story about a South Korean ballplayer who moves to the United States, becomes best friends with a suddenly-weirdly-productive shortstop*, and has a mental breakdown. (*see tomorrow’s post for more on this– same time, same place.)

Matt Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man — offering surprising insights into how members of either gender decide whether or not to undergo Tommy John surgery on their elbows. The book comes with a pair of 20-sided dice to be used for your most vexing decisions. Also being developed into a movie, starring Matt Harvey as himself and Robin Williams as the injured elbow.

1) Start with a blown strike three call. Add a demonstrative umpire for good measure.

2) Mix in some chin-music-inspired pre-fight-antics involving Torii Hunter.

ToriiChant

3) Have the home-team’s rookie pitcher strike out the best hitter in baseball on his fastest fastball of the year.

SonnyChant