NotGraphs Creative Writing Awards, AL MVP, Pt. 3

Jacoby Ellsbury is suave as hell. (See photographic evidence below.) In 2011, he returned from an injury-plagued and horribly disappointing 2010 to become a 30-30 man in his age-27 season. That, in addition to his superb defense in centerfield, is sure to garner some MVP votes despite a Red Sox collapse for the ages.

“I will have that award, and that one, and that one over there, as well.”

But how will he fare against the lyrical prowess of Miggy Cashbery and Joey Bats?

A one-two, a one-two:

Rakin’ With My Assets Frozen

by Ellsbury Doughboy

One award, two awards,
three awards,
more!

Now my slug sparkle’ silver,
my glove glisten gold.
Now my swag turnin’ platinum,
got the sportswriters sold.

It’s like my WAR’s in tha jillions,
don’t try an’ act you don’t know:
I stole a base on your daddy,
called your granny a –

But let me break out this rhyme scheme
‘bout to break out the French cuffs,
‘bout to crush out mo’ line drives
than’ve eva been seen.
‘Bout to fess up — pull my dress up —
because I’m humble
I like playin’ left better:
too damn pretty in center.

While I stopped wearin’ whites
one night in my teens,
I still praise Him for health but
my praise can’t be seen
on the field—
pretty sure He don’t care if I
H-R or G-I-D-P.
Either way, it’s all
me,
and I’m givin’ all my zin
to charity.

Am I givin’ you enough to go on
or should I go
on?

Let me level the field,
let you see the real me
(got swag and modesty,
that’s my appeal):
at night when I’ snugglin’
with my girl sometimes
I can’t sleep
‘cause my brain jus’ keep togglin’
between
Jacoby, you tha best, and
Jacoby, you GOT to be careful
with whom you invest.

Yeah, I might win an MVP, or two,
or three, but I will I ever shake the thought:

How’d that ponzi douche dupe me?