Our ongoing quest, in the manner of the noble knight-errant, is to assign players to cool nicknames rather than indulge in the tired, shopworn paradigm of assigning nicknames to cool players.
First, though, a brief jaunt through our Nickname Seeks Player Vaulted Halls of Honor:
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Moving on … The nickname up for grabs in this episode? It’s “Liván Hernández”!
Yes, that’s right: Liván Hernández. We don’t mean Liván Hernández the given legal name, although Liván Hernández the person is certainly eligible for Liván Hernández the nickname. Rather, we pay homage to Liván Hernández the person and his strong yet ultimately failed showings in previous rounds of balloting. As well, we wonder whether someone out there in baseball embodies what it means to be Liván Hernández better than Liván Hernández himself. So this week’s nickname is Liván Hernández.
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
You might a be large, frumpy pitcher with enough guile, tenacity and Eric Gregg to stick around in the majors until the mountains crumble into the sea. You might be the knuckleballer who never throws a knuckleball. You might be the durable embodiment of average-ness, regardless of role and deployment. You might be a player who, despite that frumpy appearance, for some reason strikes you as a man who makes love like a godhead.
More generally, you might be a ballplayer who readily brings to mind and lips this observation: “This guy seems like Liván Hernández more than Liván Hernández does.” Yes, you might be what we talk about when we talk about Liván Hernández.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
Rick Reuschel? Gary Gaetti, who in some ways seems like the position player’s analog of Liván Hernández? Mike LaValliere? Jeff Juden on his best day ever?
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Liván Hernández?
The floor, lovesexies, is open for nominations …