Nickname Seeks Player: Iago’s Balls

What we have done is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. This is the last time we shall do this. Why, multitudes ask? Because we shall soon introduce a new, equally insipid series called “Nickname Seeks Former Player.”

First, though, another glance at our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
“Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
“Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
“Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
“L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
“Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher
“Opening Day” – Jamie Moyer
“50 Free Quality Sales Leads” – The Miami Marlins

The nickname up for grabs this last time? It’s “Iago’s Balls,” which was submitted by post-coital reader Johnny Hummusbeard!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Iago was a scarlet deceiver who was mean to the Moors. Balls are foul-smelling blobs that lead to unwanted children and cancer and flop stupidly against your inner things. Combine the two and you have an unlikeable sort. If you lay eyes upon a certain ballplayer and sniff, “Egad, jeeper and pooh, I hate him,” then he’s a fitting nominee to be nicknamed “Iago’s Balls.”

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Pete Rose. “Lonnie Shitty” wasn’t a real player, but if he were then he would be another example.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

Which player, because you would like to punch his dumb lips, should be nicknamed “Iago’s Balls”?