Nickname Seeks Player: “50 Free Quality Sales Leads”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Jamie Moyer narrowly out-napped Jim Thome for the nickname “Opening Day” and celebrated by surveying his lawn from a comfy chair. So Mr. Moyer has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
“Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
“Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
“Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
“L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
“Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher
“Opening Day” – Jamie Moyer

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “50 Free Quality Sales Leads”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

During a recent motor-car tour, I heard a radio spot that promised “50 free quality sales leads” if you agreed to have something or other done to you and your cash accounts. Although I was not the least bit tempted by the offer, the prospects that others were ruined almost everything for the several minutes. And here I am.

So your considerations are two-fold: first, he is player who has the mountebank’s essence, which the discerning observer is likely to find both depressing and oily; second, he inspires enthusiasm and loyalty in the kind of fan likely to be roused into action by the promise of 50 free quality sales leads. Gregg Rafalski, for instance. The player himself might also be the sort to get excited about free sales leads.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Steve Garvey and his leather-bound day-planner.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because he and his adherents need to move product, should be nicknamed “50 Free Quality Sales Leads”?

The convention floor, which is for closers, is open for nominations …