New Hire Excited to Bond with Co-Workers over “Wild Game of Cards”

Grand Island, NE—Further alienating himself at his new job, area Database Specialist Dick Haugstad expressed interest in getting in on a “wild game of cards,” telling co-workers, “I just love a wild card game.” Numerous subtle cues from fellow employees failed to inform Haugstad that they were, in actuality, planning on watching a game of playoff baseball.

According to witnesses, adjacent cubicle occupants Phil Koch and Dave Koenig discussed “getting together for a Wild Card game or two,” early last Thursday when rubeish sports-ignorer Dick Haugstad interrupted them. “Out of the blue he says, ‘I’ve been known to double down with the best of them, if you know what I mean,’” reports Koenig, who did not, in fact, know what Haugstad meant. Koch, sensing the point of confusion, offered a branch of social charity, proposing, “if you want to join Dave and I for the Indians game, feel free to come by.” Haugstad, blundering away all social credibility, replied, “Indian head poker? I am THERE!” Witnesses say Koch and Koenig received the gaffe by swiveling their chairs and donning headphones for the remainder of the day.

HR representative Bethany Kratz witnessed an additional painful exchange plague the mid-size marketing company at Thursday’s end. Says Kratz, “I saw him lean over his cubicle all sweaty-like and badger [Koch and Koenig] with stuff. He was like, ‘We playing cards this weekend, or what? What’re your digits? Is that the new iOS7?’ and ‘This is a picture of my pug.’” Other witnesses report Haugstad querying the pair of co-workers as they were en route to escaping the hell of office life. “I’ll bring over a 30 of Grain Belt lager, but let’s make sure Big Dave doesn’t start playing strip poker by night’s end, am I right Phil!? So, your place, Dave? Phil? Unless, do you boys wanna come touch my new felt table?” Upon receiving empty stares from the co-workers he so desperately desired as friends, Haugstad ejaculated, “Or your guyses’ place! It’s cool. I’m cool.”

Following repeated attempts throughout the week to uncover what he thought was a secretive, debaucherous poker night, Haugstad appeared to sit at his desk and Google “wild card game,” after which he slumped into a posture of resigned anonymity for the remainder of his 26-year employment at the company.