Banknotes Harper Just Fired the Crap Out of Cal Ripken Jr.


tumblr_lzwt8ahva41qbblrpo1_500 “What’s up, dumb-ass? I’m about to fire the crap out of you because you suck at improving my margins. My margins are already the greatest in business history, but that’s not the point, slack-dick. You see, fuck-o, I hired you to drive me around in my Bible-black Duesenberg, which is made of steel and cocks, to business meetings while I sit in the after-market machine-gun turret and fire rubber bullets at the working poor. I told you to drive me to the secret NASDAQ skyscraper that only hot business bastards like me know about. I told you not to take the West Side Highway because it has too many civil servants driving on it. I also told you to introduce yourself as ‘Chappy Tap Shoes’ to my lesser associates — and every one of my associates is necessarily lesser. I told you to put a giant flag on top of my helicopter that reads, ‘Haters Are My Motivators.’ I told you to stop sweating out the velour chauffeur’s cap I bought you, you sexless baldy. I told you to find me a solid-gold tuxedo that’s somehow flexible enough to allow me to practice my Krav Maga in it. You did all of these things dutifully and in respectful silence, but I’m firing you anyway because you smell like a bunch of boogers. Got it, cheese curl? Now I’m going to have all my cash bronzed and then go pork a bunch of people. Butt-face.”


(Both love and rockets to @EliNellis, who passed along the Ripken image)

Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
10 years ago

I wonder, what ringtone does Banknotes Harper have modded onto that formerly ringtone-less speechbrick?

10 years ago
Reply to  Resolution

I don’t think Harper gives out his number to anyone thus he doesn’t require a ringtone.

“I call you when I need something, not you call me when you need something!” or something to that effect.

10 years ago
Reply to  ettin

You’re probably right.

If you’re wrong, I bet it’s (612) 365-5277 or (612) DOLLARS.

… assuming he still keeps a Minneapolis phone number.

A lesser associate
10 years ago
Reply to  Resolution

That’s actually the phone number of Banknote’s 13th Sexretary, Ms Coy Subservience.