New for 2014: FanGraphsCave™

First there were t-shirts. Then there was FanGraphs+ and highly customizable leaderboards. Then there were various crowdsourcing projects. “What is next,” a FanGraphs reader might ask in the same way that, sure, someone might have asked what flavor of Doritos Taco Bell might use next for its line of Doritos Tacos Locos line of tacos, “in the long line of FanGraphs’ efforts to expand its reach and further please and integrate its reader-base?”

Well. The obvious choice would be to fire Carson Cistulli — every Francophilic, cholesterol-saturated bit of him. But FanGraphs, always eschewing the obvious in favor of the innovative, has gone in an entirely different direction.

So. FanGraphs is very pleased to announce the launch of FanGraphsCave™.

Starting with the 2014 MLB season, a handful of lucky FanGraphs readers can audition for the opportunity to participate in an immersive experience in a setting not unlike the mothers’ basements they already occupy for 20-24 hours out of every day.

Yes, ye acne-boiled stat-nerds, your dreams are finally coming true.

FanGraphs Managing Editor Dave Cameron speaks at the groundbreaking of the FanGraphsCave™ site.

Ground was recently broken for the FanGraphsCave™ site, at which FanGraphs Managing Editor Dave Cameron had this to say:

No expense was spared in the creation of the FanGraphsCave™. Great pains have been taken to replicate my own mother’s basement, wherein I humbly began as a baseball blogger. And while we hope to offer participating stat-nerds an environment in which they will feel at home, we also anticipate that they will meet the challenge of connecting with other stat-nerds, face-to-face, creating a real social life. Look at me: I now have a job, a wonderful wife, a young dog who is adored on several internets, and a basement of my own. I hope to encourage other stat-nerds to grow socially, perhaps marry another human being and own an adorable puppy, take videos of that puppy, and — who knows — maybe even appear on the television in a vest.[Emphasis inflected by Cameron.]

The FanGraphsCave™ is an actual cave; the idea behind this being that it will help participants to understand that “nature is real.” Inside the FanGraphsCave™ are all the motherly amenities FanGraphs readers could hope for: meat sticks, puddings, and pre-mixed Mountain Dew and vodka; wall-sized computer monitors, state-of-the-art wifi transmitters, and [dusty] treadmills; mildew, wood paneling, and bobbleheads.

Also, FanGraphs Dark Overlord David Appelman has confirmed: “There are some video games.”

A focus group participant enjoys a Dick Allen breakfast in the FanGraphsCave™.
(Image Filter: “1979” via Instagram.)

That’s just the setting of the FanGraphsCave™. The FanGraphsCave™ experience will also involve, well . . . experiences. Here’s some examples:

• An Eno Sarris-hosted techno piano concerto extravaganza with fancy beers!
• A staring contest, culminating in a no-blink-off with Dave Cameron himself!
• One-of-a-kind seminar, “Table-Pounding, Businessing, and Fucking Your Way to the Top, Where You Will Claim Your Fucking Gold Brick Portable Telephone Like Mine”, led by Banknotes Harper!
• Writing and research coaching with Jeff Sullivan!
• GIFing the unGIFable, a weekly workshop with various NotGraphs contributors.
• Surprise visits from saber-minded players such as Brandon McCarthy and David Eckstein!

Small sample size of the accoutrements of the FanGraphsCave™.

In addition to all of the above, Dayn Perry will be on retainer to squat-thrust whatever needs squat-thrusting, and possibly teach participants a thing or two about leading . . . with their loins! Carson Cistulli will wake FanGraphsCave™ participants each morning with a proverb. Wendy Thurm will be on retainer for any legal needs the FanGraphsCave™ participants may have, and also to explain very obtuse texts. Jeremy Blachman will serve as an on-staff counselor. And, David Laurila will interview participants daily!

All of these experiences and available services are meant to help FanGraphs readers in need integrate more fully with the internet baseball community, and their own actual communities.

“FanGraphs has always thought the big thoughts, aimed to be the best possible resource for discerning baseball fans,” Appelman said. “This is another big step in that direction.”

To apply to be a FanGraphsCave™ participant, simply leave a link to an original video (no longer than 60min., please) in the comments section of this post. The video should document your everyday life as a baseball nerd, possibly quantifying that life with unique, hilariously acronym’d stats.