MVP Debate: Subjectified!

The words “MOST VALUABLE PLAYER” contain a mystery word! That word is not “most” or “player” or “churro.” It’s “valuable!” You guessed it! The “value” of a player is a hotly contested/annoying debate that is already happening and will happen for weeks on end. At Fangraphs, the tendency is to choose the individual who performed best based primarily on observable/measurable data. OBJECTIVE criteria, if you will. But here at Notgraphs we shun objectivity, because we know that in the end no matter what we measure or how well we measure it our ultimate destiny is to return as dust to the earth and be forgotten. Death is immeasurable! Terrific!

Instead, I propose a means of choosing MVPs using egregiously subjective criteria. Specifically: Use MyCeleb celebrity face match on the MyHeritage App to find out who MVP candidates most look like, and then pick league MVPs based on which celebrity I like best. Solid methodology, bro!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

Miguel Cabrera:

Well that’s disconcerting!

Mike Trout

I wish Ben Stiller had been alive after color photography was invented 🙁

Chris Davis

I get them confused all the time! LOL!

So! HOW TO DECIDE? O.J. Simpson, Ben Stiller, or Allen Iverson? Who do I like most? Homicide cancels out the juiciness of The Juice. But Allen Iverson is fun! Did he go play basketball in Turkey? I don’t follow basketball. That orange ball is too huge. But I have a soft spot for comedians, and even though I’m on the fence about Tropic Thunder, I think I have to go with Ben Stiller as the American League Most Valuable Player. Congrats Ben! You wear a red track suit better than anyone.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Andrew McCutchen

Andrew “Bow Wow” McCutchen: Most valuable Pittsburgh Pirate on the Cincinnati Reds.

Clayton Kershaw

Imagine Clayton Kershaw playing Quidditch, totally crushing Oliver Wood off his broom with a fastquaffle right at his stupid Gryffindor head. Slytherin would go wild. Clayton only rolls with badasses.

Yadier Molina

Who even is Namie Amuro, you might ask? None other than the Queen of Japanese Pop Music, obviously! How could you not know that, CHURL? (I did not know this)

An even tougher decision this time! Do I like an irrelevant pop-rap personality, the boy who played Ron Weasley in Harry Potter, or the Queen of Japanese Pop the most? This is a legitimately hard question, because I can’t even find points of comparison. I think the Reds/Pirates intra-division confusion cancels Bow Wow’s candidacy. Ron Weasley was annoying. I love sushi, which is Japanese, so… Namie Amuro it is! Congrats Namie! You adorable thang.

SURPRISE MVP CANDIDATE OF ALL OF BASEBALL AND EXISTENCE

Myself

I am the MVP. The humblest MVP.