Mortal Combat: Ron Washington’s New, Injury-Proof Lineup
Starting at first base tonight for the Texas Rangers: a wheel of Parmesan cheese.
You might or mightn’t have noticed, as you might or mightn’t have spent the past few weeks in a crowded Peruvian jail, that the baseball squad known as the Texas Rangers has experienced something of a medical catastrophe this season, with precisely 32,000 of its ballplayers – to be fair, just 30,000 have been starters – landing on the disabled list, in the ICU and/or in a Tommie Copper commercial.
Earlier today, in response to this graphic demonstration of human frailty, Texas manager Ron Washington opened a pack of Camels and considered his options for tonight’s lineup against the Angels, all the while pondering the Buddhist precept that “life is suffering” even as he blew a series of distinct but ultimately ephemeral smoke rings. Upon snubbing the final ashy butt he decided on the following lineup, primarily for its ability to withstand the daily threats – pulled hammies, strained obliques, scarlet fever outbreaks, meteorite strikes and spontaneous combustions – that turn players into casualties of the human condition and proxies for the impermanence that turns us all, ultimately, into role players, pinch-hitters, DFA’s.
1B – a wheel of Parmesan cheese
2B – a 28-lb. cinder block
3B – RoboCop
SS – a set of Calphalon AccuCore Cookware
LF – a 2012 Volvo S80 with passenger-side airbags
CF – a Norwegian rat
RF – a giant burrowing cockroach
C – a Petri dish containing the rhinovirus responsible for the common cold
P – a Hostess Twinkie
DH – Michael Young
Of the Parmesan the skipper said this, perhaps: “Ol’ Parmy is tough – tough on the outside, tough on the inside, tough all the way around. In BP yesterday, Parmy took a heater to the rind and didn’t even wince. I know Parmy is old – or, as some say, aged – but I’ve always preferred the proven vet over some young hotshot such as a can of Cheez-it Spray Cheese.”
Of RoboCop: “Ol’ Coppy, he’s a veteran, and he has proved on the big stage that he can take a lotta body blows – hundreds, if I recall – and still keep fightin’. Sure, he can’t charge the bunt like he once could, but I’ll always go with Coppy over the ED-209 infielder droid.”
Of the Calphalon Cookware: “Well, Calphy can really take the heat, which is important during these brutal Texas summers. And what I really like about Calphy is the fully clad five-layer construction and quad-riveted handles. You’re not gonna find a sturdier, more durable shortstop on the market today. And just between you and me, Calphy is also dishwasher safe.”
Of the rat and the cockroach: “Well, they’re gamers. They’re not afraid to get their uniforms dirty, mostly because they don’t wear uniforms due to the fact that one is a rat and the other a cockroach.”
Asked if the rat and cockroach could actually survive the apocalypse, Washington replied, “I don’t know. Ain’t never seen no apocalypse. But I did find them in the food-storage pantry of an Arlington-area Taco Bell, so, yeah, they’re survivors.”
Lineup note: On the mound tonight for the Angels is an M1 Abrams battle tank.
John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.
Mr. Young seems a tad out of place in this lineup.
On the contrary, Jenstrom! If you’ve watched the Rangers as much as I have in the past few years, you might realize that Young, though retired, would outlast any of his “teammates” in any Wash lineup.
I agree with your reply, I only meant that Young is the sole member of the lineup who is fully human. It is rare to find players in the MLB who do not have this quality.
Rare indeed, Jenstrom. In fact, the only active player who ain’t fully human is of course Mike Trout — part deity, part cyborg, part fish. But come to think of it, even he looked human this past weekend. Baseball — a game for mortals, till death do us part.