MLB Gameday Scout Explores Own Existential Dread

The Scout feature of’s Gameday service is generally regarded as innocuous, if sometimes less than helpful, by the Baseballing Public.

For reasons that aren’t entirely clear, however, a recent strikeout by A.J. Burnett of opposing pitcher Felix Hernandez prompted the Scout in question to inspect the poorly constructed foundation on which his own assumptions of the world are perilously built.

As the reader will note, the initial comment bears considerable resemblance to the Scout’s usual sort of analysis:

Felix Burnett 1

However, a melancholy leap occurs here, in the wake of Hernandez’s strikeout:

Felix Burnett 2

The Scout concludes with this — what appears to be some manner of prayer or poem — which tidily summarizes the haunting tension between life’s myriad horrors and its terrifying momentum:

Felix Burnett 3

Credit to Productive Outs for bringing this to the author’s attention.

Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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9 years ago

I once got a hit off of a pitch in that location.

Just one.
One true moment of happiness
Makes the rest of my existence so dark
And melancholy.
And shines a dark spotlight on the ubiquity of my pain
To the bottom of the 5th indeed.