Matty Baseballs: The Banknotes Harper of Baseballs?

Hello? Oh, hi, sorry to bother you so late, it’s Matty Baseballs.

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What? It’s not that late? Haha, of course. To me, it’s always baseballs o’clock, please pardon me.

“Hello, Baseball? Matty Baseballs here. I hear you’ve got baseballs for me…”

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Yes, I was calling to inquire about the state of your baseballs; I will get right to the point so as not to waste your time: How are your baseballs?

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Yes? Very good. How old are they — the baseballs, I mean. How old are your baseballs, would you say?

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Yes, yes, too many baseballs, all of different ages, I understand. Can you give me an age range, perhaps? What is your oldest baseball? What is your most recent baseball? Etc.

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That’s fine, that’s just fine, I’ll assess the condition of each baseball upon pick up and we can go from there. I have special methods for discerning the origin, composition, and age of baseballs. I can even determine, to an incredibly accurate degree, how many times a baseball has been struck, and under what weather conditions.

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Yes, it is very exciting, sir. Very exciting, indeed. I categorize and file each baseball according to a complex rubric. Then, I sleep on top of them.

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No, not even I can sleep on all the baseballs in one sleep, but I am able to rotate them evenly because of my very specific classification system.

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By smell, yes.

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No, I don’t think I can teach you my methods. Why? Well, I’ve never had an apprentice. You sound very nice, but I’m very private about my baseball methods, I hope you will understand.

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My official title, sir? Grand Sorcerer of Baseballs.

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How kind of you to say.

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Yes, your baseballs will be going to the best home possible. It’s the only suitable home for baseballs, in my opinion. But I have yet to acquire all the world’s baseballs.

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Haha, yes, sir. One day. Matty Baseballs isn’t too old yet. Still chasing my dream.

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Sure. I’ll be driving a 2001 Chevy Baseball with baseballs for wheels; can’t miss me.

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Yes. See you tomorrow. Thank you, sir.