Mariano Mandatory Tattoo Night

The Yankees will finish up their season-long tribute to Mariano Rivera by requiring all fans attending Thursday’s final regular season home game to submit to receiving Mariano Rivera tattoos on their forearms. The tattoos will feature the image of Mariano Rivera jogging out of the Yankees’ bullpen, number 42 on his back, and five world series trophies coming out of his mouth. The tattoo will also feature the names of all 1,172 players Rivera has struck out in his career (with additional space for any new strikeouts between now and the end of the season). In case the tattoo is too big for your arm, the Yankees will provide an extra arm for the rest of the image. These extra arms will be harvested from Mariano Rivera’s arm, since now that he’s retiring, he won’t need his arms anymore.

The tattoos will be inked using an Andy Pettitte commemorative human growth hormone injection needle, which each fan will be invited to take home as a souvenir.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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