Let Tommy Lasorda Speak

Friends, we at NotGraphs have not been doing our jobs, in that one of the 20th century’s greatest orators, Thomas Charles Lasorda is not nearly as well represented in the pages of NotGraphs for his distinguished linguistic accomplishments as he should be. Today, I take the first steps in trying to rectify that oversight, as I present you with the following dramatic monologue, entitled “Tommy Lasorda: Master of the Slow Build.”

But first, let us set the scene. On June 30, 1982, Lasorda’s Dodgers were facing the Padres of San Diego, with the Padres up by a single run in the top of the 9th inning. Lasorda decides to stick with his young reliever, Tom Niedenfuer for a second inning, which proves costly as Broderick Perkins leads off with what will be the last of the eight home runs of his career. The next batter, Joe Lefebvre is hit by the pitch. Niedenfuer is allowed to keep pitching, and allows a double to Tim Flannery before he is removed in favor of Alejandro Pena.

Nevertheless, the reliever is fined $500 by the National League for throwing at Lefebvre, causing some consternation in Lefebvre’s teammate, Kurt Bevacqua, who told reporters, “The guy they should have fined was the guy who ordered Niedenfuer to throw at Joe, that fat little Italian.” What follows is Lasorda’s response:

“Tell you what I think about it. I think that is very, very bad for that man to make an accusation like that. That is terrible. I have never ever since I’ve managed ever told a pitcher to throw at anybody, nor will I ever. And if I ever did, I certainly wouldn’t make him throw at a fucking .130 hitter like Lefebvre [ed. note: actually .159] or fucking Bevacqua, who couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a fucking boat [career OPS+: 78]. And I guaran-fucking-tee you this, when I pitched, and I was going to pitch against a fucking team that had guys on it like Bevacqua, I’d sent a fucking limousine to get the cock sucker to make sure he was in the mother fucking line-up because I’d kick that cock sucker’s ass any fucking day of the week. He’s a fucking mother fucking big mouth; I’ll tell you that.”

Truly, one of the most devastating burns of all time. Your move, Cicero, you fucking fuckface.