Largely Melancholy NotGraphs World Series Chat by Carson Cistulli October 21, 2014 7:47 Comment From Posterity“Waiting for the writer to provide content…” offers a bleak foreshadowing of how we will all feel soon. 7:47 Patrick Dubuque: Along with every editor I’ve ever written for. 7:47 Baumann: My content cannot be rushed! 7:48 Carson Cistulli: Patrick Dubuque is here and so is Craig Robinson, maybe, and an interloper named Baumann. 7:48 Carson Cistulli: Nature’s Interloper, Robert Baumann 7:49 Comment From Captain VideoPlease suggest an album for me to listen to that is sufficiently bleak to accompany this chat (until the start of the game). 7:49 Craig Robinson: Here, Cistulli. I am here. I’m actually a little amazed that my first gen iPad doesn’t crash all the time with this coveritlive business 7:49 Patrick Dubuque: Robert’s name looks weird without the J. Once you adhere to a middle initial, it’s permanent. 7:49 Carson Cistulli: Music suggestion: Elliot Smith, but slowed down to 45 RPMs. Try NOT to kill yourself. 7:50 Patrick Dubuque: As for music options, I nominate the underground music from Zelda 1, looped ad infinitum. 7:50 Baumann: Lift Yr Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven 7:50 Craig Robinson: Barbie Girl by Aqua. Really loud. 7:51 Comment From John PaschalIt is possible that I am here, and it is possible that I am not — one of history’s two or three top questions. 7:51 Jeremy Blachman: I am here. Hopeless Joe is locked in the virtual bathroom, unfortunately. 7:51 Craig Robinson: Serious question, America: when did the enormous flag stuff start? Do you all need reminding which country you are in? /snark 7:51 Comment From @wesyeeSpanish flea on repeat. 7:52 Comment From AnonymousSorry, Robinson. I can’t hear you over the sound of all this FREEDOM 7:52 Baumann: Most American’s are hard of sight, Craig. Thanks for being a jerk. 7:52 Carson Cistulli: Yeah, Craig, thanks for being a jerk. 7:52 Craig Robinson: Your freedom blew me off my chair. *doffs cap* 7:52 Comment From John PaschalWait. I’m supposed to be one of the superstars in black type. Hmmm. Once again, my computer skillz have failed me, and all of humanity. Alas. 7:52 Baumann: Most American misuse apostrophe’s, too. 7:52 Patrick Dubuque: I hereby nominate that the words “royal” and “giant” be used only as nouns for the next 7-10 days. Maybe as adverbs, if the speaker is proficient enough. 7:52 Carson Cistulli: It’s not hard to tell that Paschal is the oldest contributor to NotGraphs. 7:53 Craig Robinson: Odds of the Royals mascot being a sex offender in his spare time? 7:54 Baumann: I’m going to pin all of my comments to the top. It’s featured content. 7:54 Jeremy Blachman: Great play by Moustakas there. (Sorry, not watching the game. Just trying to be relevant.) 7:54 Comment From AnonymousWorse journalist cop-out: Lorde’s ‘Royals’ or ‘They Might Be Giants’? 7:55 Patrick Dubuque: This is a good question. Also: if the Giants do win, which song title makes the best/most obnoxious headline? 7:55 Carson Cistulli: It should be noted that, due to their substantial reproductive powers, a number of NotGraphs contributors can’t be here or can only be here for a short time because their future babies are literally ABOUT TO BE BORN. 7:55 Baumann: There’s room in this world for a lot of crap, Anonymous. 7:56 Comment From PosterityShould I watch this baseball game or prepare for my thesis defense tomorrow? 7:56 Carson Cistulli: Depends, Posterity. If it’s only a humanities PhD, then it should be easy. 7:56 Zach Reynolds: You should knit a massive flag. 7:57 Carson Cistulli: If you’re a scientist, though, probably get to work. 7:57 Jeremy Blachman: Is your thesis about giants, or royals? 7:57 Craig Robinson: True life events: I am currently on vacation in the northern Belize town of Corozal. The hotel where I am staying is a small affair. There are two dirty dogs, which share a total of seven legs. The owner of this hotel has food poisoning. He is the only person who works here in the evening. He told me to help myself to beer and watch TV. I can even smoke in the bar. It’s humid as hell and I am sweaty. Good evening, America. 7:58 Comment From PosterityIt’s a thesis in philosophy, so I guess that answers both questions. 7:58 Comment From GuestWhy isn’t Trisha Yearwood singing her new hit song “Prizefighter”? The one that truly brings out the champion in us all, as the nice public address man said 7:58 Patrick Dubuque: Because only one team would win, and then Trisha, disproven, would cease to exist. 7:59 Comment From @wesyeeFabulous sequencing: Carson Cistulli: It should be noted that, due to their substantial reproductive powers, a number of NotGraphs contributors can’t be here or can only be here for a short time because their future babies are literally ABOUT TO BE BORN. Baumann: There’s room in this world for a lot of crap 7:59 Comment From Oil Can BoydWhy was there ever a humorless minority that disliked Banknotes Harper? 8:00 Carson Cistulli: Yes! Definitely, yes. 8:00 Comment From Dave Camerons PuppyCarson, please say you’re still going to have Dayn Perry podcasts past the end of NG 8:00 Carson Cistulli: Dayn Perry is dead to me — and will be to everyone else, too, as soon as the authorities find where I’ve hidden his body. 8:01 Navin Vaswani: Greetings from Canada. I’m watching hockey, but watching baseball in spirit. 8:01 Baumann: So, I have been told that, as an MLB.tv subscriber, I can now watch the World Series games. But since I don’t pay for TV, I actually can’t. Craig, would this happen wherever you’re from? 8:01 Carson Cistulli: Navin, I was just in that country earlier today. The Montreal part. A real pleasure. 8:02 Navin Vaswani: The French Canadians know what’s up, that’s for sure, Chairman. 8:02 Comment From SF DaveBay area radio stations won’t play “Royals” but the song states “We’ll never be Royals”. Should we be embracing the Lord song? 8:02 Baumann: Maybe. 8:04 Comment From Dave Camerons PuppyHave you guys ever been at a playoff game? It’s so awkward when they come on the jumbotron to tell the crowd that the cameras are about to be on and that they should waive their towels. 8:04 Comment From GuestSerious question: can we keep notgraphs? Please? 8:04 Zach Reynolds: I do like to know what the towel protocol is, normally. 8:04 Patrick Dubuque: For this exact moment, yes. All other moments are beyond us and shouldn’t be considered. 8:04 Carson Cistulli: I went to an Atlanta-Toronto WS game in Atlanta. The one where Otis Nixon made the last out via bunt. Also I did the Tomahawk Chop. This isn’t the most abominable thing about me. 8:05 Jeremy Blachman: Madison Bumgarner’s name is indeed larger than all of the rest, Tom Verducci. Also longer. 8:05 Comment From BarGraphsIn the absence of a NotGraphs blog, are there plans for a tour of NotGraphs Live and/or NotGraphs on Ice? 8:06 Carson Cistulli: Not unlike the Pixies, we’ll re-group in 20 years, fatter and with less hair, for the purposes of raising money. 8:07 Navin Vaswani: NotGraphs is the only site I actually read the comments. Like, I wanted to. I looked forward to. I’ll miss the comments, which is insane, in this internetting age of 2014. 8:07 Comment From JohnSerious question: I cut my thumb last weekend and got liquid stiches (glue). It hasn’t fallen off yet. It’s supposed to fall off. Should I see a doctor? 8:07 Patrick Dubuque: Doesn’t that technically make your thumb stronger? You’re like 1% of a superhero now. 8:08 Baumann: Or he’s like Flea, of Red Hot Chili Peppers 8:08 Comment From Sgt. PepperToday I learned that different ethnic groups all have their own distinct way of playing Pokemon 8:08 Zach Reynolds: Please elaborate. 8:08 Craig Robinson: It seems that Belizean TV might not be showing the game. I can “chat” about the cricket channel if you want…? 8:08 Comment From AJTCameron is promising fun. Why come here for melancholy? 8:08 Patrick Dubuque: The Normans promised fun too. Then look at what happened. 8:09 Carson Cistulli: Yeah, look what the Normans did. Jerky Normans. 8:09 Comment From DavidHey Cistulli, how is MTL? 8:09 Carson Cistulli: I’m no longer there. But it was great. I was in a cafe and heard one conversation in three languages. That’s more languages than usual. 8:10 Comment From SF DaveI have it on decent authority that “Big Game James: nicknamed himself 8:10 Patrick Dubuque: At night, when the covers are drawn, we can all nickname ourselves. We can be anything. 8:10 Craig Robinson: Nice four from India there 8:10 Carson Cistulli: Are we dealing with 20-20 cricket, Robinson? Full test? 8:10 Baumann: I heard Giancarlo Stanton is leaving baseball for 20-20. 8:10 Patrick Dubuque: We need a statistic that measures mask-hurling. 8:11 Craig Robinson: Not sure. All I can tell right now is India are 74 for 3 8:11 Jeremy Blachman: I wish this crazy blue defense graphic was actually painted on the field. 8:12 Comment From Sgt. PepperI don’t speak French but should I watch the game in French just to be pretentious? 8:12 Baumann: Wee. 8:12 Comment From Well-Beered NotGraphsmanI am interested in hearing more about Craig’s hotel. 8:13 Craig Robinson: This is a highlights show. India are 105 for 3. Not sure who the opponents are. They are wearing maroon. 8:13 Patrick Dubuque: Hopefully the opponents are Shadow India. 8:13 Comment From Skoolboy JimFrank Black was always bald and fat. 8:13 Baumann: But he lost a lot of body hair over the years. 8:14 Carson Cistulli: Right. Smart move by Black to lower everyone’s expectations — including his own. 8:14 Comment From Dave Camerons PuppyJoh, you should suck it out like snake venom 8:14 Patrick Dubuque: That’s why I shaved my head at 23. I looked young for a decade. 8:14 Carson Cistulli: Not entirely sure to what that’s a response to, DC’s Puppy, but it’s sound advice, regardless. 8:14 Comment From KeeperIs it odd to extinguish all the lights in the house and watch the World Series in the dark? 8:15 Comment From AJTWhat ethnic group just gets a Miltank and uses rollout a bunch? That’s how I do Pokémon. 8:15 Zach Reynolds: I probably know more about pokemon than I do about baseball. 8:15 Carson Cistulli: Not if you’re of the mind to get romantic with Baseball. 8:15 Craig Robinson: An Indian guy just Harpered the shit out of a ball there. 85 metres. 8:16 Baumann: Yooooouuuu’re A-OUT-ki! 8:16 Comment From Well-Beered NotGraphsmanI am about to make a sandwich. Readers and NotWriters, what are your favourite very strange sandwich ingredients? 8:16 Craig Robinson: PBJ&J. The extra J is jalapeño. 8:17 Navin Vaswani: That’s India/West Indies, Craig. I believe they’re playing a five ODIs series. 8:17 Baumann: Usinger’s sausages … as the bread. 8:17 Patrick Dubuque: Hey, readers, since you’re not doing anything else, could you gif that Buster Posey tag dodge? Thanks in advance. 8:17 Jeremy Blachman: I don’t think I have a favorite sandwich, but avocado definitely makes it better. 8:18 John Paschal: Is this thing on? 8:18 Carson Cistulli: Thanks for the actual facts, Vaswani. I can’t tolerate Craig’s half-assed cricket commentary. It’s like, paint a goddamn mental picture for me, please. 8:18 Comment From ToastyGO TEST OR GO HOME 8:18 Comment From AnonymousAvocado does not make an ice cream sandwich better, Blachman. 8:18 Jeremy Blachman: Oh, but it does! Have you had an avocado milkshake? Seriously. It is a thing and it is delicious. 8:18 Comment From Well-Beered NotGraphsmanPlease do not suggest normal sandwich ingredients. 8:19 John Paschal: Ooh! Thanks to the magic of these here computer machines, I just got a promotion! (The world celebrates; dignitaries weep.) 8:20 Craig Robinson: When I was at school, the PE teacher laughed at my bowling, and thus cricket never really caught on with me. He also laughed at my tennis serve. Maybe he was just a dick. 8:20 Jeremy Blachman: Kelvin Herrera’s new inning is about to be the 1st. 8:20 Patrick Dubuque: Hunter Pence celebrates like everyone else, seems like 8:20 Comment From @wesyeeWil Myers has never given up a leadoff single in a World Series game. 8:20 John Paschal: Game 1 of the World Series appears to have started midway through the first quarter. 8:20 Craig Robinson: Hey guys, who’s winning the based balls? 8:21 Comment From Well-Beered NotEnglishmanMental picture for Carson: the grass is green. The men are dark. The clothes are white. The stakes are high. The aces are wild. The bats are polished. The Belizian hotel is full of smoke. 8:21 Patrick Dubuque: This is how The Heart of the Matter should have started. 8:21 Comment From Meano EnoBlanchman! I am currently in law school and someone mentioned your book the other day and I was like oh he writes funny things about baseball too! THEY DIDNT CARE 8:21 Jeremy Blachman: Of course they didn’t care– they’re in law school. And lawyers are awful. Except you, I’m sure. 8:21 Craig Robinson: India are 179-4, btw 8:22 Comment From Sgt. PepperOnce Pence was able to successfully consume the entire horse heart, this series was basically over 8:22 Comment From GuestCistulli, for taking notgraphs away from us I hope someday somebody takes something you really enjoy. Like racism, for example. 8:23 Comment From AnonymousEveryone shut the hell up. Michael Morse is about to do baseball things. 8:23 Comment From MDNavin is right. That’s the 2nd ODI from Delhi. The penultimate game in the tour that might have destroyed the institution that was West Indies cricket for good. 8:23 Comment From concerned viewerRIP feel good royals storylines 2014-2014 8:23 Craig Robinson: If, btw, you are the type of person who likes to have an actual baseball on your desk, just to, y’know, fondle, may I suggest buying a cricket ball, cos they are also nice in that regard. 8:24 Patrick Dubuque: I’m still recovering from three months of baseball things Morse did for the Mariners last year. 8:26 Comment From 4Maybe by “Big Game James’ they mean that he hunts large animals for fun 8:26 Craig Robinson: Cricket channel crapped out. No signal. I’m watching Gone in 60 Seconds now. 8:26 Comment From Shrewd CatKidney stone no longer an issue for Shields. 8:26 Patrick Dubuque: Maybe it was the source of his power. 8:27 John Paschal: Creepy Rob Lowe looks like Crispin Glover. Related item: Whatever happened to Crispin Glover? 8:27 Craig Robinson: Being called Big Game James is surely a curse. As Great Fuck Craig, I know how he feels. 8:28 Comment From Jackowitzanyone know a) how to install linux from a usb drive b) why we must grow old & die ? 8:28 Carson Cistulli: One of these questions is unanswerable. 8:30 Comment From MDCraig – India (263/7) beat West Indies (215) by 48 runs. And they steal all the cars. 8:30 Craig Robinson: Nice one. Thanks. 8:30 Jeremy Blachman: Q:which umpire mugshot looks most like a felon? 8:30 Comment From Sgt. PepperAfter leaving NotGraphs, Craig Robinson started BallGraphs where be attempted to quantify what it was like to fondle various types of balls. 8:30 Comment From KeeperMLB International feed featuring Rick Sutcliffe. He just said that “sometimes an overachiever gets tired of overachieving” and then went onto decry sabermetrics in the next sentence. It’s surreal 8:31 Patrick Dubuque: I wish the positional floor carpets were sized depending on the player’s defensive range. 8:31 Craig Robinson: Angelina Jolie is a car mechanic and, get this, she’s a girl! 8:31 Zach Reynolds: I live above a family of Italians. They are currently yelling at each other at maximum volume. I can’t tell if it’s normal yelling. Pretty exciting stuff! Terrific! 8:32 Patrick Dubuque: Status update: my one-year-old daughter just tried to eat all my Josh Willingham jokes. Crisis averted. 8:33 Baumann: spaghettimostacciolimicrowave popcorn 8:33 Comment From Meano Enowhat is normal yelling 8:33 Patrick Dubuque: The kind you perform while facing your own mortality. 8:33 Comment From ST3‘Bumgarner was born August 1, 1989, in Hickory, North Carolina, in an area nicknamed “Bumtown” because of the abundance of people with the last name Bumgarner who have lived there over the years.’ I defy anyone to find a better Wiki snippet for any player currently playing in this World Series. 8:33 Carson Cistulli: “Hunter Pence’s full name is actually Hunter Pence I Didn’t Even Hold Her Name.” You can’t make this stuff up. 8:34 Craig Robinson: I found the baseball channel. No more cricket or nicolas cage for me. 8:35 Comment From GodThanks! Your comment is awaiting moderation. 8:35 John Paschal: That’s some serious moderation, right there. 8:35 David G Temple: Oh, Hello. 8:35 Carson Cistulli: Snap. It would appear as though David “Good Times” Temple is here. 8:35 Comment From GuestIs Cistulli done yelling under Reynolds’ apartment now? 8:35 Zach Reynolds: I’ve asked for him to be evicted so, so many times. 8:36 Comment From AnonymousBible of Lazers in the hooouse 8:36 Comment From TylersnotesWait did they just say Dayton Moore is the kid from littke big league or did I fill in some context gaps in that anecdote 8:36 Carson Cistulli: You, sir, are NOT sober. Or Jack Kennedy. You’re neither sober, nor John F Kennedy. 8:37 John Paschal: Cistulli, can we do this during the day? But, like, with “General Hospital” and stuff? 8:38 David G Temple: Can we curse in here? I’m about to have a bunch of whiskey soon. 8:38 Comment From Shrewd Cat#GeneralHospitalGraphs 8:38 John Paschal: You know it! 8:38 Navin Vaswani: When I get drunk enough, the Royals look like the Blue Jays. And I am happy. 8:38 Comment From Cistulli?Fuck that guy 8:39 Carson Cistulli: Fair enough. 8:39 John Paschal: Were his feet in-bounds? 8:39 Patrick Dubuque: Meanwhile: outfield defense! 8:39 Comment From Well-Beered NotEnglishmanSandwich update: in the brand-new panini press 8:39 Zach Reynolds: Update me on the nodes. 8:40 Comment From Andrew WKPARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY 8:40 David G Temple: Can’t stop won’t stop 8:40 Comment From BenjaminWhen I get drunk enough, Carson looks like Jean Valjean. And I am happy. 8:40 Comment From Sgt. PepperDid Chevrolet just tell me I had a 13 year old daughter? 8:40 Carson Cistulli: Sorry you had to find out this way. 8:41 Craig Robinson: So, I arrived in Belize this morning, around lunchtime I was have lunch, as is the norm, and this guy came up and asked me for a couple of dollars so he could get a bus (a truly international blag, that). His pitch was that he saw me ten minutes before and DIDN’T try to get money off me, thus he was a good guy and I should give him a couple of dollars. 8:42 Comment From TylersnotesI have had 2 glasses of cheap table wine and I’m typing on my phone. This is the target demographic that SOME DAVID APPLEMEN don’t consider important enough to keep funding 8:42 Patrick Dubuque: You’re beating me. I’ve only had one Mike’s Hard Lemonade because it’s the closest thing I have to malt liquor in the house. 8:42 Comment From Toasty#MillionsIntoBillions 8:43 Comment From Dave Camerons PuppyYou should make a poll about who owns Carson’s book 8:43 Carson Cistulli: There IS a way to make a poll, and I’m sure that only David Temple — of all the people here — could figure it out. 8:44 Craig Robinson: A BeerGraphs aside: Belikin Stout is quite nice. 8:44 Craig Robinson: Yes 8:45 David G Temple: Boom. 8:45 Patrick Dubuque: Have we seen a pitcher skypoint yet? It’s my new favorite thing. 8:45 Craig Robinson: Yes, there aren’t many other options here unless you stay at one of the super fancy Coppola resorts. 8:45 Carson Cistulli: A BeerGraphs aside: I’ve decided not to chase my dreams. 8:46 Craig Robinson: I’ve got a gently used Cistulli ebook if anyone wants to gimme a dollar for it…? 8:46 David G Temple: I was at a curling tournament this past weekend that had a nice selection of beer. Not usually a common trait amongst bonspiels. 8:47 Comment From ST3There are currently two bits of reading material on my desk. Cistulli’s book, and a newspaper from the day that Stan Musial died. I keep them both around to remind me that everything is getting worse. 8:47 Comment From GuestOur tastes are profitable and popular, god damn it 8:47 Carson Cistulli: Apropos of I don’t know what, but nevertheless relevant. 8:47 Comment From TylersnotesGonna drink enough wine to make James shields’ pitches look like they have life 8:47 Craig Robinson: Francis Ford, aye. It’s ridiculously expensive for the area. But it looks wonderful if you’re willing to spunk 1000 bucks a night 8:48 Comment From AnonymousPoll is missing ‘Fuck That Guy’ option 8:48 Comment From Tylersnotesi have had carson’s Wikipedia page printed and bound. How should I vote? 8:48 Zach Reynolds: BUT IS IT TOO LONG 8:49 Zach Reynolds: Fuck that guy? 8:50 Craig Robinson: Good joke there, Carson. A joke about your wife’s reaction to that goes here 8:51 Comment From JackowitzCarson I will go back to school if you teach a class at a community college in southeast michigan 8:51 Carson Cistulli: That school, like most schools, would NOT hire me. 8:51 John Paschal: Bumgarner is surprisingly elegant when blowing snot from his nostril. 8:51 Craig Robinson: JokesaboutcarsonsrelationshipwithhiswifeGraphs. 8:51 Comment From AC of DCAre you sure you’re not in a low-end Coppola resort? They are showing Nic Cage on T.V. 8:51 Craig Robinson: Fun fact: the owner of this hotel was genuinely a roadie for the Who back in the 70s. And now he’s in bed with the shits. How the tables have turned (or something) 8:52 Comment From Frank“At noon, I roam around in the liquor stores or rummage through girls’ top drawers” – Carson Cistulli (This is why you should (or should not) get his book) 8:53 Comment From Well-Beered NotEnglishmanSandwich update: this is a good sandwich. 8:53 Patrick Dubuque: Eric Hosmer’s beard is Mephistopheles after a week home alone. 8:54 Comment From Anonymous#KeepSpunkGraphs 8:54 Craig Robinson: Why doesn’t MLB sell on deck circle rugs? 8:55 Comment From Dave Camerons PuppyCarson’s wikipedia page has 62 references. 62! 8:55 Carson Cistulli: Note: many of the comments are amusing. You people are largely beautiful. Not uniformly, but largely. 8:56 Comment From Lenardhttp://www.kansascity.com/s… Please read the first sentence of this article and then take the erotica fanfic from there 8:56 Carson Cistulli: For reference: “The sight unnerved Rusty Kuntz as he entered the visitors’ clubhouse at Fenway Park on July 20…” 8:56 Comment From BarGraphsWhy doesn’t NotGraphs sell on deck circle rugs and/or other merchandise? 8:56 Patrick Dubuque: I can sell copies of that painting I did for Carson once. 8:56 Craig Robinson: Also, and this is something I’ve been silently jockeying for for a half decade: baseball uni pyjamas. Actual pyjamas that look like baseball unis. 8:57 Comment From AnonymousThat painting is getting uglier in an attic somewhere 8:57 Comment From JackowitzUbunutu has been installed. That matter settled, I can reassign my anxiety to other issues 8:57 Carson Cistulli: More on this situation as it unfolds. 8:58 Craig Robinson: “Closed captioning brought to you by Hungry Man: Try new pulled pork” 8:58 Baumann: My sister just called. She used up her data plan. Can you all please stop messaging her, please? 8:58 Comment From ToastyNo, Baumann 8:58 Comment From AriI live in SF but I’m rooting for KC becuase the the giants getting into the playoffs has cancelled my weekly pub quiz. I NEED PUB QUIZ. 8:58 Patrick Dubuque: Okay, here you go. Who was Nolan Ryan’s 5000th strikeout victim, and who caught the ball? 8:58 Comment From GregI’m being totally serious right now: Is the demise of Notgraphs as worse as or much worse than the execution of Socrates? 8:58 Carson Cistulli: To be fair: Socrates wasn’t actually that upset even about his own execution. 8:59 Carson Cistulli: Super disappointed in you guys. 8:59 Comment From Sgt. PepperSure I’ll stop messaging her. What’s her number? 8:59 Baumann: 414.940.3106 8:59 Comment From AnonymousSocrates wasn’t upset about dying because he didn’t have wi-fi 9:00 John Paschal: True story: I played football with a dude named Socrates. Dumb as a rock. 9:00 Carson Cistulli: I’m taking my dog outside. Do whatever you want for however long you want to. 9:01 Patrick Dubuque: Good news, everyone: Now that Carson’s gone, NotGraphs is officially un-canceled. 9:02 Patrick Dubuque: This is a still from that Budweiser dog commercial. This guy has a fun night planned. 9:02 John Paschal: Honest question: Is anyone watching the televised baseball game? 9:03 Patrick Dubuque: Bad news: everyone: Now that I’m in charge, NotGraphs will be nothing but free verse poetry. 9:05 Comment From AnonymousI am a fan of the San Francisco Giants. I am enjoying this chat and the baseball game, although those two events appear to not be related as closely as I had hoped. 9:05 Comment From AnonymousIvan Rodriguez 9:05 Comment From Clockyayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 9:05 Zach Reynolds: Me too! 9:06 John Paschal: I like loud outs. The best outs are the ones that are turned to 11. I just made that up. I’m serious. 9:07 Patrick Dubuque: I should have put Mike Stanley in that quiz. He’s not the right answer, but I should have put him in there anyway. 9:07 David G Temple: Anyone know the last catcher to throw out Rickey on the base paths? 9:07 Comment From KeeperWhite railings. Panda flailing. Beat down printers keep us from praying. Cain stops bleeding. Returns home. 9:08 Comment From Toastywoah that’s like a real poll question wtf is this shit 9:08 Patrick Dubuque: Every once in a while you have to get out of the hot tub and hop in the pool. 9:08 Comment From ToastyStill better than Cistulli’s poetry amirite 9:08 Comment From AnonymousI assume it was a Molina. I’ll go with Steve. Steve Molina. 9:08 David G Temple: Close, it was Dan Molina. 9:09 Baumann: 9:09 Patrick Dubuque: If I were Crawford I would have left the ball there and walked back to my position. 9:09 David G Temple: That’s a Milwaukee area code 9:10 Patrick Dubuque: 13% of you got that question right, by the way. I’m actually disappointed in those of you who picked Rodriguez. 9:10 Comment From Dave Camerons PuppyFYI ultra-pasteurization is basically just a higher temperature for a shorter time than regular pasteurization 9:10 Patrick Dubuque: Posting this now while Carson’s out, just so he never knows 9:10 Comment From Terrible TedSo demanding, Baumann 9:10 Comment From TylersnotesEvery postseason gets the Pete kozma it deserves 9:11 Comment From ToastyI refuse to participate in any catcher-based trivia that does not include at least one of Jason Kendall, Johnny Estrada, and/or Damian Miller 9:11 Zach Reynolds: Same, but only for Chad Moeller. 9:12 Comment From AnonymousRequesting update on the India/West Indies cricket barnburner 9:12 Carson Cistulli: I know. Robinson? 9:12 Carson Cistulli: Jason Kendall 9:12 Craig Robinson: I think India won. 9:13 Comment From Meano EnoCistulli returns! Quick everyone hide the fun 9:13 Patrick Dubuque: NotGraphs is canceled again. Sorry, gang. 9:15 John Paschal: I want Joe Buck to narrate my workday: “Paschal is 0 for his last 14 with jokes in scoring position.” 9:15 Craig Robinson: Hotel owner food poisoning update: he just came out of his room, said he hadn’t shat for 30 minutes so went to the fridge and got a beer. We should all raise our glasses to this man. 9:16 Patrick Dubuque: Poll answer: Johnny Estrada. Also, I actually knew a trivia question about Johnny Estrada. 9:16 Comment From manly cupIf Cistulli ever runs for office, he’s going to have to answer for all these jobs he terminated/outsourced to children in third-world countries. 9:16 Comment From manly cupRobinson keeps joining this event as a Producer. Another reason — among many — why he’s known as the 9:16 Patrick Dubuque: Please note: bunt jokes in this chat so far: zero (this is not a bunt joke) 9:17 Comment From ToastyKnew it couldn’t be Moeller. He hit for the cycle! 9:17 Zach Reynolds: But what ELSE did he do?? (hint: think necromancy) 9:17 Craig Robinson: My first gen iPad keeps crashing, thus I keep coming back in and threatening you to sing better with a loaded pistol. 9:17 David G Temple: Who’s doing all that grunting? 9:18 David G Temple: On the TV that is. 9:18 Comment From Dave Camerons PuppyDavid, it’s the Marlins guy 9:18 Comment From AnonymousAHAHAHA “Of everyone here, who makes the most fucked scalloped potatoes.” I LOVE YOU, NOTGRAPHS COMMENTS 9:19 Comment From TylersnotesThis chat makes me feel like I’m witnessing the last days of the Roman Empire if the last days of the Roman Empire were more depraved and less well-governed 9:19 Patrick Dubuque: Can I be Claudius? The Derek Jacobi version. 9:19 Comment From AnonymousCistulli is out! No one is moderating the comments! We can say whatever we want! Monday. Typewriter. Organ. String. Butthole. Tomato. 9:19 David G Temple: b00bz 9:19 Comment From Toasty8======D~~~ 9:19 Baumann: Craig, I just used an English cucumber. Thoughts? 9:20 Comment From KeeperI never tried 9:20 Carson Cistulli: A good policy. Trying is beneath you. 9:20 Comment From I am the law58005 9:20 Patrick Dubuque: soobs? 9:20 Baumann: Cain Is Able 9:20 Comment From Well-Beered NotEnglishmanhow am I supposed to write a limerick if I can’t hit the enter key? 9:20 David G Temple: We did this on purpose. 9:21 Comment From AriWhat’s up with that dude with the giant moose antlers? 9:21 Carson Cistulli: That’s a moose. What you’re seeing is a moose. 9:22 Patrick Dubuque: We never did a NotGraphs Limerick Challenge. Think there’s still time? 9:22 Comment From Dave Camerons PuppyCarson, I gave information about ultra-pasteurization, but since you left you will now never know 9:22 Carson Cistulli: Your efforts, like many others, have been fruitless. 9:22 Comment From AnonymousSince y’all are going to be unemployed in about 8 days, do you get to go back to having a favorite baseball team? 9:22 Patrick Dubuque: Let’s ask Navin. 9:24 Comment From WangDangerI guess I don’t really understand why he doesn’t just keep a few extra beers in the bathroom for while he’s shitting. 9:24 Carson Cistulli: Once again, a comment that’s outlived its context — and is improved because of it. 9:24 Comment From manly cupIf the last world series game is perpetually tied and goes into infinite innings, does that mean notgraphs will continue to exist? 9:24 David G Temple: We’re working on that. 9:25 Comment From Anonymous“We’re working on that.” The contingency, or you’re working on making the World Series last until the end of time? 9:25 David G Temple: Sure. 9:25 Baumann: I’m still searching for content to add to my event. 9:26 Baumann: Whatever, Baumann. 9:26 Baumann: 9:27 Comment From Well-Beered NotEnglishmanThe commenters grew quite unruly; As NotGraphs grew senile and drooly; So they rose up all mad; And along with your dad; They all shouted “Fuck that Cistulli” 9:27 John Paschal: Isn’t that an ABBA song? 9:28 Carson Cistulli: A thousand people are currently involved in this chat, give or take an undisclosed number. 9:29 David G Temple: Everyone smoked PCP before this thing, right? You all got my email? 9:29 Comment From MeQWERTYUIOKJHGFSDFGHJNBCXCVBN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9:30 Comment From Stanatee the ManateeIt’s give 985, isn’t it, Carson? 9:30 Carson Cistulli: Stop tearing down my dreams, Dad. 9:30 Patrick Dubuque: We don’t talk enough about what percentage of baseball is staring 9:30 David G Temple: How many whole pigs could Mike Morse eat in one sitting? 9:31 Zach Reynolds: What kind of utensils is he using? 9:31 Comment From WhatThat angel dust? 9:31 Carson Cistulli: Context: unknown: Relevance: considerable. 9:31 Comment From TylersnotesThought it said pvc. My house smells terrible now. More on this as it develops 9:32 Craig Robinson: I do hope Michael Morse plays Killer Bob’s son in the next season of Twin Peaks. 9:32 Comment From CushMore pleasing idiom: “bases chucked” or “bases juiced”? 9:32 Baumann: Bases juice-chucked? 9:33 Comment From Anonymous“bases empowered” 9:33 Comment From gumpis this a smoked pig? is it a pcp smoked pig? 9:33 Craig Robinson: Well, that’s my nightmare sorted, Patrick. 9:34 Comment From Whatjuice-based chuckles 9:34 Comment From Well-Beered NotEnglishmanThere once was a man from Belize; Who was very easy to please; He wanted some booze, NotGraphs, and nice views; And not to be infested with fleas 9:34 Carson Cistulli: Information: dogs aren’t able to receive a mani-pedi, just a pedi-pedi. 9:34 Comment From WangDangerI mainly just like it when the word “sacks” is involved. 9:36 Baumann: I’d like to take this opportunity to share my favorite Cistulli tweet, maybe some of you remember it. “Word: pantywaste.” I believe it read. 9:36 Patrick Dubuque: Fun fact about Josh Willingham: when he finishes a phone conversation, he never says goodbye, and just hangs up. 9:36 Baumann: Bases Ebola #zeitgeist 9:37 David G Temple: Bases #Benghazi 9:37 Baumann: Bases Obungled 9:37 Comment From CushWhat player in this year’s World Series has watched the most animes? 9:37 David G Temple: Jake Peavy, for sure. 9:37 Comment From KeeperMy wife just asked if there was a woman in this chat. “There has to be one token, right?.” HAHAHAHAHA!! Oh we’re token alright… PCP. 9:38 Craig Robinson: Have we ever had a situation where an MLB player shit himself whilst playing? Like proper mud flood in his trousers for all to see? 9:38 Comment From CushGeorge Brett is good for that twice a year, so… 9:39 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterThere once was a man from Milwaukee; Whose passion was beer and not hockey; Cistulli, his boss, Who never did floss, Does races as Dayn Perry’s jockey 9:39 Baumann: I’ll just assume this is about me. 9:39 Baumann: 9:40 Comment From AnonymousEither my building’s heat just kicked on or I’m having a stroke please advise 9:40 Carson Cistulli: Yes. 9:40 Comment From gumpcan we get an update on citulli’s butt smell? 9:40 David G Temple: It fucking stinks, you guys. It always will. Stop asking. 9:40 Comment From TylersnotesMy favorite cistulli tweet was something to the effect of “hey Obama, I just hacked my wife’s email and there were hundreds of messages from you. What the hell?” 9:40 Carson Cistulli: That’s an example of reportage. I do a lot of work with reportage. 9:41 David G Temple: Fun Fact: Danny Duffy spelled backward is Yordano Ventura. 9:41 John Paschal: This just in: Craig Robinson has joined the event as a producer. 9:41 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterGet ready everyone. Here it is: CISTULLI’S FIRST TWEET EVER. “Attended Brewers spring training game today versus Cleveland Indians. BMI of average attendee? My guess is north of 30.” 9:42 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterROBERT J BAUMANN’S FIRST TWEET EVER: “something smells is it me” 9:42 Baumann: I maintain that is an excellent tweet, sir. 9:43 Patrick Dubuque: I think my first tweet was a reply to John Hodgman about hot dogs. I didn’t really get Twitter yet. 9:44 Craig Robinson: Didn’t Sabathia have to change his cleats a couple of seasons ago because they were a different colour to the other Yankees’ cleats? Cough, Giants. 9:44 Carson Cistulli: It’s okay to fall asleep during live chats, I hope. 9:44 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterDUBUQUE IS NEARLY CORRECT. Candy, not hot dogs. “@hodgman has perhaps neglected the Finnish “salted licorice”, with its ample supply of ammonium chloride, used to stunt growth in children.” 9:45 Comment From TylersnotesGotta say guys, this episode of the mindy project is boring as fuck 9:45 Comment From Kyle DavisThe Royals are doing their best NotGraphs impression right now. 9:45 Patrick Dubuque: They’re getting way more ad revenue, though. 9:46 John Paschal: Fact: Cal Ripken Jr. set the consecutive-games record by drinking Budweiser. 9:46 Comment From TylersnotesThe French consider ejaculating “Le petit mort” so yes we have all died hundreds of times during chats 9:46 David G Temple: Mmmm. Hot Marines. 9:47 Comment From AnonymousStatistically, someone must have died during a live chat. And further statistically, it stands to reason that NotGraphs viewership has a higher risk of death than other live chats. 9:47 Comment From AnonymousObviously 9:48 John Paschal: “Natty Bo” would be a good name for a superhero. That is all. 9:48 Patrick Dubuque: Josh Willingham once ate two leaves on a bet he made with himself. It taught him a lesson in perseverance. 9:48 Comment From Terrible TedTHere was a young man from Wisconsin Who sext me a pic of his Johnson If he had any skill With working that drill He’d show a hook like Arroyo, Bronson 9:48 Baumann: I’ll just assume this is about me. 9:48 Comment From AnonymousIambic Pentameter weeps this day. 9:49 David G Temple: My wife always though Raul Ibanez’s name was Rauly Banez. 9:49 Patrick Dubuque: HALFHEARTED SKYPOINT 9:49 John Paschal: I want Joe Buck to say, “Cain is Willingham and able.” 9:49 Craig Robinson: Raul Ibañez’s voice doesn’t match his face. 9:50 Comment From Stanatee the ManateeLOOK AT CRAIG WITH HIS FANCY ENYAY 9:50 Craig Robinson: I’ve got a Mexican girlfriend, I have to do these things. 9:50 Comment From WhatIs Carson Cistulli ebola; He spreads like the crayons of Crayola; If that didn’t make sense, just ask Hunter Pence; Or even Iran’s ayatollah 9:52 Comment From Kyle DavisThere once was a man, name of Baumann. This limerick I’m writing is about him. I’m talking about Rob, you could call him Bob. Once again, this poem is about Robert Baumann. 9:52 Carson Cistulli: Miserable, but the best we have — just like Baumann himself. 9:53 David G Temple: If Ibanez is not active, that jersey seems a little over the top. 9:53 Baumann: “Carson Cistulli is replying…” is the most loathsome idiom we have in English. 9:53 Comment From BarGraphsIf you could pick anyone who has ever lived to have written for NotGraphs, who would it be? 9:53 John Paschal: I’d have to go with that Paschal fella. 9:53 Carson Cistulli: Audio dump! 9:54 Comment From gumphas anyone truly lived 9:55 David G Temple: Hey there, Kyle Davis! 9:55 Comment From Kyle DavisDayn Perry 9:55 Baumann: Love you, Kyle! 9:55 Carson Cistulli: Cricket reference by Buck, too — only, like, two effing hours after Craig Robinson’s own up-to-the minute cricket reports. 9:57 Comment From WhatGod 9:58 Comment From ST3“These poll results are distressing/The end of NotGraphs is depressing/Where will we go/When we want to show/White males what our rhymes are expressing.” 9:58 David G Temple: SEE WE’RE NOT ALL WHITE. NAVIN IS A BROWN PERSON. 9:58 Craig Robinson: Navin: I would read volumes about that. 9:58 Carson Cistulli: And David Temple is a shade of white that ought to be regarded as a different race than just regular, old white. 9:59 Comment From Kyle DavisNavin: You better have a post or two saved in the drafts for publish before this whole thing is over. 9:59 Navin Vaswani: It’s tough to write with a broken Canadian heart. 9:59 Comment From gumpwonderbread v. hearty italian 10:00 Navin Vaswani: True fact: My middle name is “Diversity.” 10:00 Craig Robinson: There is lightning happening in Belize. 10:00 Carson Cistulli: That’s actually true, what Navin says. I’ve seen his payroll forms. Diversity is his real middle name. 10:01 David G Temple: Wait, you guys get paid for this? 10:01 Craig Robinson: I wonder if the EFUCKINGNORMOUS “World Series” on either side of the infield is just getting us ready for on field advertising, like next to the goals in soccer. 10:01 John Paschal: Weird. My middle name is “Creeping Pluralism.” 10:02 Carson Cistulli: Announcement: everyone is permitted to nap briefly. Just not after the seventh inning. 10:02 Comment From TylersnotesCarson “institutional racism” cistulli 10:02 Carson Cistulli: Yeah, but, to be fair, it was my parent that have me the name. 10:02 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterThere once was a nonwhite chat member; Whose skin didn’t blend into Canuck November; He rooted for the Jays, In some weird obscene ways; But those we try not to remember 10:03 Comment From WangDangerMy middle name is Michael. 10:03 David G Temple: Shit, we are a diverse crowd. 10:03 Baumann: David, is it true that your family changed it’s name from “Synagogue” to seem less Jewish? 10:04 Comment From AnonymousHey, you guys are humorists, right? You should talk about Hunter Pence. His eyes are kinda funny LOL – Every National Media Outlet, 2014 10:05 Carson Cistulli: True fact: I met David Temple and Sal Perez on the same day. The former was attending a SABR conference, the latter was with his baseball team at the same hotel. 10:05 Carson Cistulli: 10:06 Carson Cistulli: Jeff 10:06 John Paschal: Honest factoid: I met Carson Cistulli and David Temple at the exact same time. I’m pretty sure they are still talking about it. 10:07 Craig Robinson: I could be losing Twitter followers with this shit, instead, I’m here: shafe shpace. 10:07 John Paschal: Another true fact: Every month is Chevy Truck Month. 10:07 David G Temple: Carson, it’s been over two years since we met. Seems like longer. 10:08 Comment From Kyle DavisPaschal, how did you know who was who? 10:08 John Paschal: Their essences precede them, like a god’s precedes a god and a titan’s precedes a titan. It’s uncanny. Also, Cistulli wears a flashing sign around his neck that says, “Cistulli in the house.” It’s also uncanny. 10:10 John Paschal: Bum 10:12 Carson Cistulli: Madison Bumgarner adds and subtracts from his fastball. The truly GREAT pitchers, though, are also able to multiply and divide. And do exponents somehow. 10:12 Comment From AJThow can you not go with Bum? 10:13 Comment From WangDangerWhere can I get one of those flashing neck signs? 10:13 David G Temple: The Jerk Store. 10:14 Comment From stuff you learn on a tourIsn’t Temple an Inn of court, and didn’t they leave orphans at those Inns and they named the babies after the inn they were found at? That’s why there are many Lincolns? 10:14 David G Temple: I know that’s where I leave all my orphans. 10:15 Comment From WangDangerPretty reasonable prices over there at The Jerk Store? 10:15 David G Temple: Yeah, but they always haggle. 10:15 Comment From GuestRank the Carsons: Johnny, City,Nv, Daly, Palmer, Cistulli. 10:15 Craig Robinson: Full name Carson Ofabitch Cistulli 10:15 Comment From AnonymousAs-written. 10:16 Comment From AnonymousI’ve never been much of a Bum man. 10:16 Baumann: I’m close to being a Bum man, Just a few letters off. 10:16 David G Temple: That was a close one. 10:17 Comment From WangDangerHaggle? Are they trying to convince me to pay less than the marked prices? 10:17 David G Temple: More. It’s super weird. 10:17 John Paschal: “Introducing ‘savings catcher.'” Um, what will Billy Beane say next season when introducing Bob Saget as the A’s new backstop? 10:17 Baumann: http://runningdrawing.tumbl… 10:18 Comment From ToastyOnce NotGraphs is kil, will someone finally review how much you dudes were paid to contribute your works? 10:18 Baumann: We were paid per yuck. 10:19 John Paschal: So that’s why I haven’t been paid. 10:20 Craig Robinson: I do hope Carson turns all of the “fuck that guy” stuff into an enormous poem like The Waste Land or something 10:20 David G Temple: Slo-mo pitching is my jam. 10:21 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterThere once was a website called NotGraphs; None of whose staff were hot g’raffes; They did lots of stuff, About half of it fluff; And generated tons of NotLaughs 10:21 Comment From AnonymousWhere will the post-mortem for NotGraphs be held? 10:21 Baumann: My pants. 10:22 Navin Vaswani: I have a “NotGraphs” search column on my Tweetdeck. (I love saying/writing on my Tweetdeck.) There are two people who are always shitting on NotGraphs, saying it’s NEVER been funny. I hate them to the core of my soul. Who didn’t find Baumann’s “Dale Thayer is probably gonna puke now” post funny? And who said every frigging post on NotGraphs was going to be full of comedy jokes. I hate people. 10:22 John Paschal: Serious NotGraphs question: Who should deliver the eulogy? 10:24 Comment From ToastyAnyone who didn’t find ol’ Dale amusing should be culled 10:24 Comment From AnonymousI honestly believe that anyone who didn’t cry laughing at the Banknotes Harper series is a candidate for chemical castration. 10:24 Baumann: Word. And I’m honored to have ol’ Dale mentioned. He hasn’t uttered his last yet, I promise! 10:24 David G Temple: Plus all the stuff I wrote, right guys? 10:24 Craig Robinson: Shakira is advertising toothpaste on the television. I want to buy new toothpaste now. 10:25 Navin Vaswani: I’d watch video of Dave Cameron reading NotGraphs posts. 10:25 David G Temple: NotGraphs forever. 10:25 Comment From manly cupGood news: spunkgraphs.com AND spunkgraphs.xxx are available! 10:25 Comment From WangDangerAlso, the OOTP post with Gordon/Dunn/Colon/Uehara is one of the greatest things on the internet. 10:25 Patrick Dubuque: Aw, thanks, guys. 10:26 Comment From ToastyI ONCE HAD A FRENCH HORN IN MY PEEHOLE 10:26 David G Temple: The Dayn Perry Notification Sound! 10:28 Comment From Terrible TedAt least there will be lots of room in the post mortem local. 10:28 Baumann: Hot Post Mortem Locals in Your Area 10:28 Comment From WangDangerMake Cameron read the Banknotes Harper posts. 10:28 David G Temple: Let us not forget this: http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 10:28 David G Temple: Not to toot my own horn. 10:29 Comment From TylersnotesWe can submit not graphs posts to CommunityGraphs right 10:29 John Paschal: Hey, leave it to NotGraphs to have this amazing team-building exercise, like, five days before we go kaput. 10:30 Comment From GuestMy favorite was when Joe West did us a solid, a few Septembers ago. 10:30 Baumann: Better than when he did us a mud flood. 10:30 Patrick Dubuque: My daughter just screamed at a pen 10:30 Comment From KeeperI enjoyed the baseball game as if it was written by a European soccer writer. Well played. 10:31 Comment From AnonymousThat’s my exact fetish 10:32 Navin Vaswani: Let us never forget The Timeless Wisdom of Jose Mota: http://www.fangraphs.com/no… “The old saying goes: Play good enough, until last out, until also something good happens for you.” 10:33 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterI really am tragically sober; Especially with NotGraphs near-over; May do a season review, using my limerick-fu; To celebrate ending October. 10:33 John Paschal: I’m enjoying these limericks, dude. 10:34 Comment From ToastyI’ll always remember Temple for this http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 10:34 Baumann: That is excellent. 10:35 Patrick Dubuque: As long as we’re doing this, my personal favorite NotGraphs post was one of my least successful: http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 10:36 Comment From FarisJust heard about this “Notgraphs” thing. Seems cool. Is there somewhere I can submit a writing sample as an application to join? 10:36 Patrick Dubuque: Sure. Just mail it to Dave Cameron at gmail.com. 10:37 Comment From Kyle DavisWell I liked it, Patrick, dammit. 10:37 Comment From BarGraphsDeubuque, I was always a big fan of your John Ruskin letter: http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 10:37 Navin Vaswani: I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. 10:37 Craig Robinson: Does Majestic make anything other than baseball jerseys? (I genuinely do not know, what with being the Queen’s English and that) 10:38 David G Temple: I’m really sad now. 10:38 John Paschal: Seriously, is anyone watching this baseball game? 10:39 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterNot watching. Not en-cabled. 10:39 Baumann: Ditto. 10:40 Comment From WintergreenCarson, I just bought your book and I love it. The content too, at some times. 10:40 Baumann: #NOT 10:40 Comment From FarisI’m watching House Hunters International and reading this chat. When a guy kills himself in Nashville tonight, it was me. 10:40 Patrick Dubuque: I think we’re technically legally obligated to do something now. I’m going to go get a beer. 10:41 Baumann: Working on a Dale Thayer GIF. 10:41 Patrick Dubuque: Game update: Icarus just flew too close to the lawn 10:41 Comment From Embiggens PapiamentuFajrewellickson Nootgraphijens 10:42 Comment From Terrible TedI once had a french horn in my peehole Results from PCP in my pipebowl It wasn’t much fun It stretched me a ton Now I can pass stones the size of an egg roll 10:42 Craig Robinson: I just made up a rumour that Derek Jeter is singing God Bless America. 10:42 Comment From Chaucer Jr.There once was a man named Cistulli; the site of fangraphs he did sully; the words he did write; they caused such a fright, I believe in free verse 10:43 Baumann: NotGraphs is like Adam Sandler: the only time we were really good was when P.T. Anderson directed us. 10:45 Comment From Kyle DavisThis just took me about 15 minutes to locate, and I’d like to present this poem as one of Baumann’s best NotGrpahs posts: http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 10:45 Baumann: I completely forgot that one. Now I’m sad, too. 10:45 Craig Robinson: Would we think of Carson differently if he came to the Internet named Buster Cistulli? 10:46 David G Temple: This might help. Everybody get happy. https://www.youtube.com/wat… 10:47 David G Temple: The world can’t be too terrible if this exists. 10:47 Craig Robinson: Right, y’all. Battery is virtually gone. I’m off to my room where wifi does not reach. It was an experience. Enjoy the rest of the game. Go teams. 10:48 David G Temple: Sports. 10:48 Navin Vaswani: Peace, Craig. Enjoy the cricket. 10:49 Comment From ToastyRobbie J. is objectively the best because he follows me on twitter 10:49 Baumann: What’s your handle? 10:50 Comment From Sad PandaThe paragraphs about fickle chance have been my email signature for the past year: http://www.fangraphs.com/no… Fare the well sweet NotGrahps! 10:51 Comment From Toasty@flyingtoasters. I apologize for the onslaught of Untappd checkins 10:51 Baumann: Oh yes, hi! 10:53 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick Writerholy cow that Russian music video. everyone do click on that. 10:53 Comment From AnonymousStand up, you heathens. Craig Robinson finally left, so we can honor our troops. 10:54 Baumann: Jeter did a really good job with that song. 10:54 John Paschal: Dudes. I forget: Are we getting paid by the inning or the half-inning? 10:56 Comment From WangDangerAnd how much am I getting paid to put up with you blowhards? 10:56 Patrick Dubuque: In glorious content. 10:56 Baumann: How do I download NotGraphs? 10:57 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterBaumann also follows me on Twitter, so his taste is not perfect 10:58 Baumann: http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 10:58 Patrick Dubuque: I actually wanted to download NotGraphs for a post. I was going to rank the authors by letters per word, use of the phrase “dear reader”, and other stuff. Then I had a child. 10:59 Baumann: NotGraphs is my only child. 11:00 Comment From ClockWow, impressed to see this is still going. Left for dinner. Ate things that can be heated up easily. Like a pizza. 11:00 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterOkay guys here’s my super upbeat song contribution. Iggy Azalea covered by 1920s flapper. http://www.youtube.com/watc… 11:01 Comment From GregIn Joey Gallo’s senior year, he hit .509 with 21 HR and a 1.166 SLUG. He only received 40 BB for a .628 OBP. 11:01 Comment From Greg*I forgot to ask my question: Why didn’t more high school pitchers walk Gallo in his senior year? It would have been worth it; he literally slugged over 1.000. 11:01 John Paschal: I’m eating dinner now — while posting. Dedication, thy name is Paschal. 11:02 Patrick Dubuque: One of my favorite things about baseball is how suboptimal everyone is, how little they understand game theory and how to mix strategies. Someday, baseball will be like chess, and it’ll be terrible. 11:03 David G Temple: The worst. 11:03 Comment From WangDangerHey, should we all maybe just watch New Girl together instead of the rest of the game? 11:04 Baumann: Let’s all nominate our best GIF. Here’s mine: http://www.fangraphs.com/not/author/baumann/page/4/ 11:04 Baumann: http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 11:05 David G Temple: http://cdn.fangraphs.com/no… 11:05 Comment From Toastyreconfirming the Temple GIF I posted earlier http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 11:05 Patrick Dubuque: I think I only made two GIFs in three and a half years. This is the only good one. http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 11:05 Comment From BarGraphsNotGraph live chats could go far during non-baseball events. 11:07 John Paschal: Breaking: Mmmm, my dinner — it is good. 11:09 Patrick Dubuque: Daughter is kissing inanimate objects. Livechats are a young man’s game. 11:09 Comment From ToastyI used to mindlessly shitpost like this through Sullivan’s weekly chats 11:10 Baumann: Pretty good GIF: http://cdn.fangraphs.com/not/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Wright-Jiggle.gif 11:10 Comment From WangDangerSo are you NotGraphers going to be partaking in any more World Series chats, or am I going to have to go out in public to say strange things to strangers? 11:10 David G Temple: I’m doing Friday and maybe Sunday. 11:11 David G Temple: But that’s on the Mothersite. 11:13 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterWangDanger, come to the NotGraphs watch party I’m hosting at Paschal’s house. 11:13 John Paschal: Englishman, what time do I need to be out of the house? 11:15 Comment From GarfieldI hate mondays, but I loooooooooooooove lasagne 11:15 Navin Vaswani: Canada’s out of here, boys. I love you all. Goodnight. 11:15 Patrick Dubuque: We need a Garfield minus Garfield plus NotGraphs. 11:15 Comment From AnonymousI just learned that I’m going to be at Baumann’s house while he is at the Mercury Lounge in Goleta, CA. Don’t tell Baumann. 11:16 Comment From Big Game JamesWhy doesn’t anyone realize this name is just because I own a handful of large-print board games to play with my elderly grandmother 11:16 Patrick Dubuque: Does the board game Life depress old people? 11:17 Comment From a fellow iowanHi Patrick, I’m from Dubuque, too! 11:17 Patrick Dubuque: Nice! Go leave five bucks in front of Julien’s statue. You’ll have good luck involving marsupials for the rest of your life. 11:18 Patrick Dubuque: I wonder how many baseball players would play hatless if allowed. 11:18 Patrick Dubuque: Why did we ever accept him 11:19 Baumann: http://cdn.fangraphs.com/no… 11:19 Baumann: http://cdn.fangraphs.com/no… 11:19 Comment From Rob NeyerThere’s value in just about everything that Cistulli does. He’s got an original mind and we’ll ignore him at our peril. 11:20 Patrick Dubuque: Dumb late-game poll: what was the first baseball card that you remember? Mine was a 1985 Fleer Jeff Kunkel rookie card. 11:21 Baumann: Quiz: Carson Cistulli, or Jonathan Taylor Thomas? http://www.fangraphs.com/no… 11:22 Comment From WangDanger1990 Donruss error card that pictured Tom Glavine but had John Smoltz’s name. 11:22 Comment From Jeremy BlachmanLet me tell you about the kidney stone I just passed 11:23 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterWhen I was a kid my parents got me a Sammy Sosa rookie card because we all though it would be worth a fortune some day. 11:23 Patrick Dubuque: Was it at least Leaf? 11:25 David G Temple: God, all of this is depressing. 11:25 Comment From ErixPatrick, what should I do? 11:25 Patrick Dubuque: First, get the Demon Grand Axe. Then, spend some time grinding against the iguanaspawn in the Dark Bayou. 11:25 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterOh man, imagine if it was somehow a combo rookie card of Sammy Sosa and Ryan Leaf. 11:26 Comment From Well-liquored beermerick writerWhen I was a kid my parents got me a Ryan Leaf rookie card because we all thought it would be worth a fortune some day. 11:26 John Paschal: Interestingly, when Ryan Leafe was a kid, his parents got him a Well-Liquored Limerick Writer Card. “I’ll never sell it!” he cried. And he hasn’t — even though, you know, he tried. 11:26 David G Temple: jvpjw’jsfovwu9wu9’wr-u9 11:27 David G Temple: Whoops. That was my wife’s fault. 11:27 Patrick Dubuque: Fun childhood mini-tragedy: my parents bought me a bunch of 1985 fleer cards as a kid. When I got my first price guide, I found out that I’d checked off a Kirby Puckett rookie card. I searched over and over, but I never found it. 11:28 Comment From An infantIs Kirby Puckett the little pink dude? 11:28 Patrick Dubuque: That’s Dave Krieg. 11:29 Patrick Dubuque: Carson, since you’re theoretically around, what’s your favorite article? Or are they all your children? 11:29 Comment From ToastyKirby in Melee was the inverse of Kirby in baseball 11:30 Comment From ToastySeems accurate. 11:31 Comment From A poster with many handlesAm I the only person on this chat who’s not on the fangraphs “payroll”? 11:31 Patrick Dubuque: For a week! Then I’m free of these capitalist shackles. I can roam and starve like a free man. 11:31 Comment From Terrible TedThis game could use a few dongs in the bottom half. 11:31 David G Temple: Couldn’t we all? 11:33 John Paschal: Just think, guys: If the Royals score six runs, we get to keep chatting. 11:33 Patrick Dubuque: I have like six Josh Willingham jokes. I used the good ones, though. 11:33 Carson Cistulli: I don’t know precisely how you’d calculate it, but this game’s Apparent Length — as opposed merely to its Absolute Length — is pretty high. 11:34 Carson Cistulli: bello 11:35 Patrick Dubuque: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at Eric Hosmer again without thinking: he was an asshole to Eno once 11:36 John Paschal: True conversation, just now: My wife: “So, what are you guys blogging about?” Me: “Eh, pretty much everything but the game.” Wife: “Well, if you’re not blogging about the game, what are you blogging.” Me: “Comedy jokes, mostly.” Wife: “Oh, so, like Jerry Lewis and stuff.” My wife, she is my muse. 11:37 Carson Cistulli: I think it’s pretty safe to conclude that almost nothing has been accomplished by means of this chat. 11:38 David G Temple: I’ve accomplished three bourbons. 11:38 Patrick Dubuque: We’ve aged! 11:39 Patrick Dubuque: Okay, two outs, so let’s take a moment to record the fact that, as we have said before, you NotGraphs commenters are wonderful and I can’t imagine callously writing for a readership I didn’t want feedback from. 11:39 Patrick Dubuque: “Don’t read the comments” is bullshit. “Write for people whose comments you want to read” is the real answer. Thanks, all of you. 11:40 Comment From Well-Beered Limerick WriterIf this is the end of the chat, I have nothing to say about that, I lim’ricked all I could, or more than I should, and Cistulli guy fuck that 11:41 David G Temple: See you all in Hell, I guess. 11:41 Carson Cistulli: And I will add to the record that writing alongside people like Patrick Dubuque, with an uncalled-for amount of belief in the NotGraphs project, has also been a pleasure. 11:41 John Paschal: My first serious comment ever: Thanks, everybody. It’s been fun. 11:42 Comment From ToastyI’m feeling really melancholy guys 11:42 Comment From the world:”””””””””””'( 11:42 Comment From ST33 u all, never change. 11:43 Comment From WangDangerSo long, suckers. Thanks for the laughs.\ 11:43 Comment From ST3Hey, since we were ostensibly talking baseball tonight, great tailing action for that 97 mph fastball from Strickland. 11:43 Comment From WangDangerLet’s all make a pledge to keep crackin’ wise on the internet in general, though. Never forget. 11:43 Comment From Guestwhere is paul swydan 11:44 David G Temple: Good night all. You’ve all been splendid. 11:44 Patrick Dubuque: Night, everybody. 11:45 Carson Cistulli: I’m about to end this. I didn’t fall asleep for 20-30 minutes there. I’m ending this now. Allez le NotGraphs.