That beautiful mustachioed gentleman you see there is Mr. Josh Collmenter, circa July 2008. If Mr. Collmenter’s name sounds familiar, it’s either because (a) you read about his unique pitching delivery in these pages last November, (b) you read about his recent promotion two days ago at our buttoned-up parent site, or (c) it just sounds like a pretty normal American name. (Please note: those are the only three possible ways you’ve ever heard Josh Collmenter’s name. Don’t even start pretending like there’s some fourth way or something. That’s ridiculous.)
Being the sort of person who’s paid handsomely just to sit at home and amuse himself, I was watching this afternoon’s contest between Collmenter’s Diamondbacks and the Cardinals of St . Louis when broadcaster Matt Vasgersian made reference to a promotion in which Collmenter had played a major role while a minor-leaguer with the Sound Bend Silver Hawks — a promotion called Mustache Appreciation Night.
Let me repeat that in red Comic Sans just case you’re impaired in one way or another. What I said was:
Regard this three-year-old — and yet infinitely relevant — press release, courtesy of Minor League Baseball:
In South Bend, fans of the Silver Hawks have a new mustache to support in pitcher Josh Collmenter.
The Silver Hawks began the season as the Minor Leagues’ worst team, losing their first nine games and going 7-18 in April. Collmenter had struggled personally, ending the opening month with a 5.63 ERA. That’s when his teammates began calling for the return of Collmenter’s facial hair. While the 6-foot-5 right-hander is usually reserved, he’s a man waiting to open up about his talents in growing a mustache.
“We were struggling a month in and some guys said you should grow one out,” Collmenter said. “I told them I’ll keep it the whole year and not shave it.”
In not shaving, Collmenter has become the team’s most recognizable face — a face the Silver Hawks plan on honoring. On July 23, the team will host Josh Collmenter Mustache Appreciation Night, at which fans will receive free tickets if they arrive with a Collmenter-esque mustache.
So, that’s interesting. But wait… there’s more!
Apparently, the totally official and very not imaginary American Mustache Institute endorsed immediately Collmenter’s project.
Like I say, totally official and very not imaginary.
And finally, unrelated but also totally related, the world has recently been presented with this information, courtesy of Giants beat writer Andrew Baggarly:
I think the only question is, “Will you go to the prom with me, Josh Collmenter?” And it’s being asked by me. And I hope the answer is “Awesome.”
Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.