Jose Abreu Fantasy Report


No one knows what to expect from Jose Abreu. Certainly I do not know what to expect from him. Thus, this post is not about his fantasy value, or his fantasy projections. It is merely a fantasy about Jose Abreu.

Jose Abreu will arrive at spring training riding a unicorn.

He will bring pasteles for his teammates, filled with guava paste and cream cheese. They will look at them strangely and throw them in the trash.

He will swing three bats at once. One of them will be carved from the arm of Fidel Castro. Another will be carved from the arm of Raul Castro. The third will be carved from the arm of Juan Castro.

He will hit twelve home runs during spring training.

I will draft him. So will you.

Those are the last twelve home runs he will ever hit.

Because the unicorn will eat him.

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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I had always thought of unicorns as vegetarians.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
The Return of Rambo Diaz

C’mon man, these are fantasy unicorns.