In Praise of: The Brobdingnagian Sports Chair

The holidays compelled me and mine to travel by plane, and traveling by plane always means I drink deeply of SkyMall, the first and last word in consumerist porn. Although SkyMall is always rich with absurdities, nothing I ever find will top what you see above. And what you see above is a miracle called the Brobdingnagian Sports Chair.

The person you see sitting in the Brobdingnagian Sports Chair is, lest you think your eyes deceive, a grown damn man. The chair, you may surmise, is stupidly large. Why? The Skymall write-up says (yes, I actually tore out out the ad and kept it — also to be found in this issue: a robot tarantula and a plastic zombie designed to look like it’s punching its way out of a shallow grave underneath your garden!):

“… The portable chair that elevates your stature at any sporting event … Measuring 5 1/2′ tall, the chair is certain to provide stadium seating at any venue, and its 9′ sq. seat affords ample room for full-body gesticulations … The lofty seat elevates the feet well above the ground, where they’re free to dangle and sway instead of merely floundering in dirt or sand … Step stool not included.”

I have no words. Nonetheless … “full-body gesticulations”? Mostly, I feel sorry for the poor bastards seated behind this guy. And if he’s at a Little League game, then I most assuredly feel sorry for his kid. There’s no surer way to embarrass your spawn than to show up at one of his games with a sprawling throne that looks like it was designed for a minotaur with a glandular disorder.

None of this, however, is to say that the Brobdingnagian Sports Chair isn’t awesome. Because it obviously is.