I See a Darkness, by The Other Joey

There is a chance I will have to tussle my own hair.

Your heart felt good:
it was drippin’ pitch and made of wood.
           –“3^rd Planet”, Modest Mouse

It is not half bad to swim
half naked with seniors
when you win the MVP.

Would I do it all over again?

I want to prepare for every day
like it will be my last
chance to work a count
choose a bat
zip up this hoodie
in the clubhouse and watch
film of tomorrow’s
pitcher—sometimes
the only thing that seems to mean
tomorrow’s gonna come—
run wind sprints
dream.

There’s a chance I might never
be a father, that when I want
to tussle hair
I will have to
tussle my own hair.
Or that I might never own a dog
is another darkness
and I will have to deal—
there’s the chance that
when I vomit
I will have to leave the vomit
to step in
in the morning—sometimes
the only thing that assures me
the morning’s gonna come.

I vacation alone,
swim with the old folks,
tell them our blood
is just like the Atlantic
ask how they have gotten on
in life so long, how they
have beaten back
the pitch.

When I couldn’t stand up
when I was lumped
into the Khalil Greene category
I kept my mother
my brothers around
but now I just bowl
sleep at the Y
as if that’s still a thing
and if I wake up now I skip
the hospital, take to the beach
middle of the night
step light
imagine my swing
try to level it out so at the plate
so I can trick
myself: there’s nothing I can’t handle—

back on the beach
imagine it’s all glowing
imagine him, my dad,
he was a good dad to me,
imagine another MVP,
imagine going back
knowing that
if I did
it might all be too much
I’d never win
I’d never find my feet
lead off
steal
swing
eat
wait thirty minutes
swim
sleep.

Routine is very important to me.
Can part of that be the MVP?

Another darkness, I’ll deal with