How to Tell if a Beer Is Made of Honor

How can one tell if a refreshing can of alcohol is made not only of hops, barley and melted snow from Valley Forge but also honor itself? Reach for a can of Narragansett Beer, the one with the baseball-diamond scar tissue on the cask, and you can be sure that said beer will meet your daily requirements for honor …

You earn honor by punching thieves. You earn honor by giving up mortality for Lent. You earn honor by recounting your night terrors to no one save the dog. You earn honor by playing baseball.

Yea, verily: Play baseball, and no matter what else you do, you shall have honor. You shall be swollen and veiny with honor. Elijah Dukes once had honor because he played baseball — his name on his driver’s license was “Honorgood Stoutsterling” — but then he squandered that honor by not drinking Narragansett Beer, by drinking something sold not on merit but on avarice. His driver’s license then read “Communisto Slackweakling.”

Drink Narragansett Beer. You are free not to drink Narragansett Beer with the baseball diamond on the hogshead, but if you don’t drink Narragansett Beer with the baseball diamond on the hogshead, then you shall be slaughtered by a Bible.