How Are Ballplayers Hoping to Gain an Edge in the Post-PED World of Tomorrow?

The recent Biogenesis suspensions levied by Major League Baseball are leaving many anti-aging clinics and other “sports wellness” organizations scrambling to come up with new kinds of performance enhancing substances and new methods by which to consume them.

Many players are hoping that Dino DNA Gumdrops™ will be an accessible, inexpensive source of powers.

An anonymous survey of players at the major and minor league levels was recently administered by the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, the results of which (posted below) might inspire the leaders of the aforementioned clinics and organizations as they brainstorm new ways to tarnish America’s pastime.

• 37% Dino DNA Gummies
• 19% Hiring sabermetric consultant to give them in-game advice
• 15% Heavy intake of Sparks and/or Four Loko while repeatedly shouting, “YOLO!”
• 12% Lifting weights, regular sleep, protein-rich diet, daily meditation
• 10% Voodoo Magic
• 9% Batting Practice w/ Ted Williams’s head