GIANT TIGER GIANTS!!

Never one to be parted from his fatig, my indefatigable colleague Mr. Cistulli has taken the trouble to catalogue the many instantiations of Tigers and Giants, while raising the question of how each would fare in a fair fight. I lustily applaud his work. And yet it must be observed that he has considered only one class of possible outcomes of Tiger-on-Giant action. What of the possibility — vanishing though it may be! — that, upon encountering one another in the sensuous confines of American Telephone & Telegraph Park, the aforementioned protagonists should be compelled to spontaneously procreate and unleash their monstrous spawn? Should our loins not be girded for that shocking eventuality?

They should. And here are some potential outcomes that we’d be wise to consider. They would all be horrible. Which would be the most horrible? You, gentle and heretofore bare-loined reader, be the judge.

Tiger Giant Sex Medicine For Penis Enlargement

This potent blend of “penis cervi; ox penis; goat penis; seal penis; ginseng; ctex eucomae, etc.” purports to help with the following ailments: “sht penis, genital grows is not well, kindey weakness, penis shrink of the ddle age and the old, and the one who is undersexed.” I need not belabor the implications here, should samples of this product become suddenly and freely available to 40,000 individuals in the middle of San Francisco.

Fantastic Tigger Tiger Giant Full Body Mascot Fancy Dress Costume

This “Brilliant Giant Size Fun Mascot” promises to be “Ideal For Fancy Dress Parties, Promotions & Events.” “Be the talk of the party,” insists its manufacturer, “with one of these Crazy Mascot Costumes.” What its manufacturer carefully omits is the fact that this mascot is not “Crazy” in the sense of “crazy good time!” but rather “Crazy” in the sense of “deranged and suicidal.” Look at its face. This mascot would instantly annihilate all fun and good will at any event it attended, including the World Series.

Giant Tiger Hooch

The gentlemen depicted constitute a “Netherlands based rhythm ‘n blues influenced indie/country/americana band.” I can’t say what Dutch Americana sounds like, but judging from their album opener (“Get High”), I’m guessing it has something to do with the Amish.

Giant Tiger Prawn

According to this troubling report, the Giant Tiger Prawn is “a huge, hungry and highly invasive species that could pose a jumbo problem for the already embattled Gulf of Mexico ecosystem.” Notes a biologist, “It has the potential to be real ugly. But we just do not know.” Spoiler alert: it’s real ugly.

Giant Tiger Discount Store

Also known as “Tigre Géant” and “Chez Tante Marie,” this is the third-largest discount store chain in Canada. Asking itself, rhetorically, “Who we are?”, Giant Tiger answers thusly: “Each trip to a Giant Tiger store is unique, with fun surprises and new deals to be discovered in store during each visit.” Giant Tiger is surely looking for its chance to pounce, as it were, on the unsuspecting American discount retail market. Let’s not give it that chance.

Giant Tiger

This is an actual giant tiger. “Truck driver Dick Miller,” notes the caption, “doesn’t seem concerned about the giant tiger within striking distance.” I would advise those in attendance tonight to muster some concern.