For C.J. Wilson, Regarding His Dilemma

Texas Ranger starter C.J. Wilson suggested today via Twitter not only that (a) he’s occasionally frustrated by the questions he’s asked by reporters but that (b) he’d entertain the possibility of giving fictional answers in the future.

Fortunately, NotGraphs literally specializes in the very important field of fictional answer-giving.

Below are some questions that Wilson either has received or could expect to receive, all with answers taken directly from a most unlikely source — i.e. David Berman’s first and only book of poems Actual Air.

Regard:

Q. How does a pitcher have to act to become a true ace?

A. So dull that he only makes a brief appearance in his own life story.

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Q. How’d you feel out there today?

A. Like a turtle tangled up in dry cleaning bag.

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Q. What’s been the key to your transition from relieving to starting?

A. A wedding ring with an on/off switch.

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Q. How does your cut fastball look to opposing batters, do you think?

A. Like rain in its original, uncut form.

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Q. What do you like to do with your free time?

A. Rank the great shipwrecks.