Finally, You Are Better Than Lou Gehrig

There are many things that Lou Gehrig has done in his life that you will never do. You will never win an American League MVP award. You will never hit 49 homers in a season or 493 overall. You will never win a batting title. And lord knows you will not spend even one consecutive game in a major league lineup, let alone 2,130. You will never be as beloved as Lou Gehrig. You will never be as nice as Lou Gehrig. And indeed, you probably aren’t even as good a child to your parents as Lou Gehrig, who lived with his parents until he was 30, despite having gainful employment, so that they could pay the bills. You live with your parents until you’re 30 so that they can pay yours. Shame on you.

If I had my druthers, Lou Gehrig would be alive today in your place. But I don’t. I don’t have any druthers of my own. So you get to stay.

But I have good news for all of you who don’t have it as easy as Lou Gehrig in the genetics, and the athletics, and the upbringing, and the generally being a good person: You were never photographed swinging a club in a loincloth. And no one has spent their day scrutinizing a picture of you to see if your balls are hanging below that loincloth. And in that, I say, good for you. That’s you 1, Lou Gehrig a billion. May your victory be short-lived.