Fantasy Baseball Purity Test

Two points for every “yes” response.

Have you ever…
1. Been in a fantasy league?
2. …more than five in a season?
3. …more than ten?
4. Done a mock draft, just for fun?
5. …even when they stopped being fun?
6. …even while you had other things you knew you should have been doing, and the idea of practicing for a fake thing by doing an even more fake thing made you feel like the most useless person in the world, yet you couldn’t resist?
7. Owned a copy of Ron Shandler’s Baseball Forecaster?
8. …an autographed copy?
9. Told a major league player that he was on your team?
10. …asked him to steal more bases?
11. …asked him to stop walking so many hitters?
12. …got punched in the face by him?
13. Made a trade at a wedding?
14. …at your own wedding?
15. …while you should have been at your own wedding, but you got there late, because you were still negotiating?
16. Owned Todd Van Poppel, because this was finally going to be the year?
17. …Oliver Perez, any year but 2004?
18. …Andy Marte? Corey Patterson? Ruben Mateo?
19. Derived your own fantasy projections?
20. …and won your league with them?
21. Invented a new formula?
22. …Named it after yourself?
23. …Did anyone else ever use your amazing new formula?
24. …Do you even remember what it was?
25. Longed for the days before Yahoo, when you had to buy USA Today on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and add up columns of stats by hand?
26. …Really? Did you have nothing better to do? I mean, my excuse is that I was 15 years old, but, seriously, this was hours of work. I could have invented Google or something if I had just taken all of the hours spent adding up columns of numbers and learned how to program instead.
27. Bought a copy of The Sporting News fantasy baseball magazine, not because it said anything you didn’t already know but just because it was there, the first beacon of light in a cold winter offseason, and you had to have it?
28. Made a Pivot Table in Excel, in order to… uh, do whatever it is a Pivot Table does?
29. Brought a computer to a fantasy draft?
30. …a desktop computer?
31. …with a program you designed to enable the draft board to appear, with real-time results, on a TV screen?
32. Made a deal with your significant other, letting you go to your draft in exchange for doing some other thing he or she wanted to do that you found horribly boring?
33. …involving his or her parents?
34. Broken up with someone because of an argument over the amount of time/money/energy you were spending on your fantasy baseball team?
35. …and did you ever regret it, or not so much, because he/she was awful for so many other reasons?
36. Thought about trading your significant other for Troy Tulowitzki?
37. …and successfully made that trade?
38. …and, in retrospect, feel like you probably got the better deal?
39. Stayed up past a sensible bedtime to wait for a player to clear waivers so you could grab him first?
40. E-mailed Yahoo or an equivalent complaining about a player not on the free agent list?
41. Had a dream about your fantasy team?
42. …a [this word has been censored to protect young children] dream?
43. …a dream which inspired you to make a trade the next morning?
44. Rooted against your favorite team, for fantasy purposes?
45. Prayed for everyone on your favorite team to reach on an error, so at least the runs would be unearned?
46. Hoped for a rainout?
47. …did you attempt to invent a machine to change the weather?
48. …did you succeed?
49. Won your league?
50. Lost your league, but, genuinely, honestly, believed it was more fun that way?

Your point total fills in the blank: Your life has been ___% destroyed by fantasy baseball. Good luck next season.

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Michael Barr
10 years ago

the preamble to our community constitution.