Nearly actual reportage conducted by this internet weblog has revealed that, despite his frequent claims to the contrary — distilled to their essence, most notably, in the 1998 hit single embedded here — late Bronx-born rapper Big Pun remains the most valuable player to basically anyone with some combination of (a) ears and (b) a heart.
“I can confirm having both a pair of working ears and also a heart,” a real person would probably say, for example, if prompted by an author from this site. “And I can also confirm that Big Pun remains both valuable and also a player to this day, even despite how he’s dead.”
Would say another, theoretically: “Whether elaborating upon the precise dimensions of his phallus, making less-than-subtle references to psychoactive drugs, or celebrating oral sex in all its glorious forms, Big Pun conducted himself as a model — I’m prepared to say “most valuable” — player at all times. His legacy continues.”
In fact, idle speculation demonstrates that, of the many people who hypothetically could have been consulted in the composition of this post, only a small minority would likely have suggested that anyone besides Big Pun should really even be considered for the distinction of “most valuable player.”
In conclusion, the author has created a flimsy pretense upon which to make a beloved and dirty song part of his meaningless day.
Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.