Dave Cameron Power Rankings

It’s a question which, if not as old as time, per se, is at least as old as a one-day-old thing — namely, who, among all the world’s Daves or Davids Cameron, is the most powerful?

What follows is an attempt to answer to that same question, where power has been defined by a complex and proprietary algorithm informed primarily by personal wealth, social and political influence, and how easily the relevant Dave Cameron could have a person just, like, assassinated or whatever.

Using that same flawless methodology, here are the five most powerful Daves or Davids Cameron at the moment:

 
5. Dave Cameron, Web Editor, Ithaca College
Powerful if for no other reason than he’s cornered the market on Dave Cameron-related social-media handles, including at Instagram, Tumblr, and Twitter.

 
4. Dave Cameron, Assistant Coach, Ottawa Senators
Former NHL player and current assistant coach of successful hockey team. Likely expert on facial hair.

 
3. Dr. David Cameron, Queer as Folk
Less powerful than he might otherwise be, insofar as he’s not an actual person, but still important as character in first hour-long drama on American television to portray lives of gay men and women.

 
2. Dave Cameron, Managing Editor, FanGraphs
Prominent voice in contemporary baseball analysis. Largely responsible for poor performance/demotion of Seattle Mariners second baseman Dustin Ackley. Told cancer to go run off and play.

 
1. David Cameron, British Prime Minister
Leader of nation with sixth-largest GDP in world. Graduate of Oxford. Could have most anyone murdered — or, at least, imprisoned for a pretty long time — on flimsiest of pretenses.