Dale Thayer Tours the Ballparks

When last we checked in with Dale Thayer, he was just about to knock on your door and ask to use your bathroom real quick.

“Dude, you in there? Gotta pee!”

Since then, Dale lost his job as the Padres’ closer and was bumped down to the team’s seventh inning guy, where he’s doing ok, he guesses, but he really wanted to maybe make the All-Star team, get his BBQ groove on in KC.

Alas, Dale ended up having the full four days off, and decided to take a tour of the ballparks that he’s visited as a player, but never seen from a fan’s perspective. First on the list was Milwaukee’s Miller Park.

First, Dale stopped at Lakefront Brewery, Milwaukee’s finest, and took a tour. Then, Dale got to feeling fancy, wanted a cocktail — a real nice sazerac, if you want to be specific — so he sought out The Hamilton. People were real nice there, so Dale tried all of their seasonal craft beverages, not to mention their cheese plates, charcuterie plates, and chocolates. Dale was feeling prrreetttty fine, then. In fact, he was just feeling pretty.

Then Dale remembered what he’d come to Milwaukee to do: to sample Miller Park’s Giant Slugger.

Giant Slugger ingredients: two feet each of pretzel bun, hot dog, chili, bacon, jalapeño, and yellow.

But when Dale got to Miller Park, it was closed. It was the All-Star break, duh. Dale felt dumb. He stooped outside the homeplate gate, then howled, “I just wanted a Giant Slugger!”

“Well, why didn’t you say so?”

Dale turned to see Gorman Thomas, former Brewers great and current Miller Park concessionnier, whose job it is to fulfill the culinary dreams of stumbling drunkards whether it’s a gameday or not.

“Really?” Dale said.

Gorman chuckled a dying walrus’s chuckle. “You know, Dale, you remind me of me when I was your age, except I wasn’t a pitcher. And I was an All-Star. In fact, you remind me of me nowadays, as I am no longer an All-Star but crave giant meat things more than ever.”

“Yeah, damn,” said Dale.

So, Gorman got his lackey, Borman, to whip up Giant Slugger for Dale.

“You know, a Giant Slugger normally feeds a family,” said Borman.

“Can it, Borman,” Gorman said. “You don’t know Dale.”

Long story short, Dale ate it all. And now, he’s probably gonna puke, right here in this conveniently placed Miller Park garbage can.

Borman (left) and Dale, post Giant Slugger.

Next up, SafeCo!