Crowdsourcing J-Dub

Friends, today we help a person in need, and that person is Jayson Werth. Jayson is, and has been, a man in search of a self-image. Feel, for just a moment, his anguish: the anguish of a man condemned by his creator to look like something — and yet perennially thwarted from discovering what that something is. He has sought, as any of us would, guidance from those who know him best; he has seen himself through Brad Lidge’s eyes, as “a cross between Jesus Christ and the Geico caveman”; he has untombed the esoteric secrets of Facebook, and thus learned of shocking and uncanny kinships; he has walked countless miles and studied countless faces, craving always that moment of deep reflection, of thrilling recognition, of sudden, crystallized wholeness.

Today we give this man the truth that will set him free. We begin by invoking the Wisdom of the Crowd, as it is so dutifully compiled and distilled for us by Google. And we find that Jayson Werth looks like:

a Geico caveman
the wrestler Edge
a bum off the streets
a meth head
a dirt bag
Mike Doonesbury
some kind of epic hero
an egg
Brent Mydland
Jesus Christ
the Sham Wow Guy
a 126 point bull moose
a hippy
a lost soul
a California surfer
a total tool
a serial killer
a True Blood character
a guy who stopped caring
a moron
a roadie from .38 Special’s “Wild-Eyed Southern Boys” tour in 1982
a bad surfer mixed with Kid Rock
a human rattail
an evil Serbian terrorist

Talk amongst yourselves. Study this from every angle. Do not be misled by chance similarities, superficial or ephemeral correspondences. Open yourselves to the deepest and truest connections. And remember that a tortured soul hangs in the balance.