Cleveland Indians Have Busy September Schedule

Regarding the immanent return of Corey Kluber.

The return of Corey Kluber — and, presumably, the return of the Corey Kluber Society, as well — is only one of the many, many tons of “things” on the crazy, jam-packed, break-neck September calendar of the Cleveland Indians.

Like, what is one thing that is on said turkey-chasing, event-bloated, bottle-necked schedule of the Cleveland Indians, you might ask.

“A number of things, for one thing,” one Indians executive elucidated.

“Oh there’s just oodles of stuff that we have going on this month,” said Indians PR Intern and erstwhile Ohio State sophomore Pliny Smithson.

Like, promotions at the ballpark? Ramping up a PR campaign to create excitement for the stretch drive?

“There’s that, yeah. And so much other stuff, too. Personally, I have, like, at least a dozens different things on my calendar for every day in the month of September,” Smithson offered. “Even weekends. I’m constantly tweeting.”

Nick Swisher, what do you have going on in September?

“Well, September is the month when all the chewing tobacco companies start sending me samples of their new flavors. I try a different one each day and write some notes about it in my chewing tobacco journal. For the more complex ones, I try to draw a picture of the mouth-feel, if that makes any sense. Sometimes, I’ll print off user reviews from the internet and tape them into the journal. At the end of the month I review my notes and make the tough decision on which brands and flavors to order cases of for next season.”

Very good. What else?

“There are the yearly legal issues surrounding the team’s embarrasingly racist logo and moniker,” an anonymous legal representative for the team revealed. “Those almost always come to a head in September. With that, and with trying to replace all my pleated slacks this year, I’m booked solid through the 29th at least.”

Team psychologist Huxley Blankenship is busy scheduling shock therapy for a number of the club’s executives. “I find that’s the best way to power through the month of September. If needs be, we can ‘talk’ about other ‘issues’ in the offseason,” Blankenship said, polishing a cat skull. “To get them over the prospect of missing the playoffs — they just need that little extra jolt, if you know what I mean.”

Yes, yes.

“I know I’ll have to schedule extra time for my guys to plunge,” said Progressive Field clubhouse manager Arn Cropper. “It’s a stressful time. Guys eating all sorts of crazy stuff, all pent up with stress. What they do in those stalls . . . well, I get why it happens, just, it’s . . . unholy.” Cropper made a little plunging motion with his hands and then continued: “Things break down, players smash stuff, or they start special projects in the clubhouse to take their minds off the games — woodworking projects, for example — that they need help with from me and my crew. My guys get some overtime in September, that’s for sure.”

So, as you can see, employees in all sectors of the Cleveland Indians organization have high-octane, headache-inducing, personal-life-defeating schedules for September with lots of things to do. Don’t be offended if they don’t return your calls or emails, of if they don’t have the energy to make love to you at night. It’s nothing personal. You look great, really. It’s just, September is exhausting.