Archive for Unreliable Source

Believe it.

By now you’ve heard that legendary Marlins’ closer Leo Nunez (28) is actually Juan Carlos Oviedo (29). Eric Augenbraun has nicely filled in the details. It is a sad situation, and one hopes that Oviedo (who probably just didn’t want people back home in the Dominican to know he was playing for the Pirates and Royals) manages to resolve things and gets back to playing in the majors again soon.

However, the truth has to come out, and our crack Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has unearthed many other major leaguers players and even executives are working under assumed names. Read on for The Truth, and don’t say you weren’t warned. Your world may never be the same.

Assumed Name: Real Name

Alex Gordon: Jim Halpert

Jason Bay: Alexei Ramirez

Scott Baker: Joe Randa

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Peruse MLB.com’s pitching probables section, reader, and you’ll notice that each scheduled pitcher receives a brief, paragraph-long review (much like you see for Houston’s Bud Norris above) regarding his recent performance, season in context, etc.

Peruse MLB.com’s pitching probables for this Wednesday, however, and you’ll be confronted merely by blank space under Charlie Morton’s name.

“What gives?” you’re probably thinking — which, that happens to be the very same question NotGraphs asked of Major League Baseball itself.

“We’re just effing bored of him,” responded MLB’s Head of Public Relations Tom Jenkins via email. “Seriously, we’ve tried to give a crap for, like, his last four or five starts, but now it’s just to where we told our intern, ‘We know how sad it makes you to write those profiles for Morton every fifth day. Probably just get some other work done instead.'”

When asked which other pitchers might receive similar treatment as the season wears on, Jenkins responded immediately with Jon Garland, adding “I don’t really even understand how he’s still a major-league pitcher. As effed up as that organization is, the very presence of Garland might be the most effed up part about it.”

Legal Note: Many of the facts and names in this piece are total fabrications.

A bountiful source of debate among baseball enthusiasts and fans of other, ickier, less morally upright sports is whether or not it’s acceptable to say “we” in reference to your favorite team. The pro: It’s a harmless bit of unifying tribalism. The con: You do not, in point of fact, play for your favorite team. These are dearly held positions, to say the least. Neither side will yield, and the center cannot hold.

So in the service of a workable peace, I am here to pronounce from on high and with the certainty of Judge Lance Ito that using the first-person plural in reference to your team is acceptable — I do it myself — but only under certain inviolable conditions. Here, fans of stick and ball, are those conditions …

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Last night, the baseball world was rocked by Texas Rangers second baseman shortstop third baseman designated hitter utility man team-leader-who-would-do-anything-to-help-the-team Michael Young’s revelation that he feels “misled and manipulated” by the Rangers’ front office. Young feels that the team has been trying to trade him throughout the off-season while telling him the opposite. Ever the consummate teammate, Young has declined to reveal specific details of exactly what went on behind closed doors. However, in a NotGraphs Exclusive (TM), we have obtained leaked video of what we believe to be Rangers General Manager Jon Daniels finally coming clean with the Face of the Franchise.

It’s hard to make out from the grainy video, but “Brenda” (they are using a bunch of clubhouse nicknames throughout) is obviously Michael Young. “Dylan” is Jon Daniels, even though in the footage he looks to be closer to Nolan Ryan in age. “Kelly” is Adrian Beltre (I’m telling you, you can’t complain about video quality when it’s as earth-shattering as this), although he seems to have gotten over his head thing; at least when “JD” is involved. “Brandon” must be Michael Young’s BFF Vernon Wells.

Despite the quality of the video, everything in the exchanged words and, above all, the evident emotions leave little doubt as to its authenticity. Look out for Michael, Vernon, he’s gonna need it.

We’ve all been there: In a text message exchange, with no idea how to end it. Do you respond to the smiley face? With a smiley face of your own? Do you show some teeth? What about the smiley face wearing a party hat? Or the one wearing sunglasses? A thumbs up? What’s the bloody protocol? It’s all very confusing.

At least it was, until Wednesday. Until the one and only Cliff Lee showed us all how it’s done. Prompted repeatedly via SMS by his former teammate Ian Kinsler to “Just sign it,” the Texas Rangers’ contract offer, Lee responded by sending Kinsler a photo of a deer shot on Clifton Phifer’s estate by a friend.

Brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?

Anyway, the electronic banter between buddies Kinsler and Lee got me thinking: What have Derek Jeter’s former — for now — teammates been texting him? Thankfully, we here at NotGraphs have immeasurable resources, and were able to find out.

Mark Teixeira, Nov. 20, 2010, 8:48 pm:

I can’t believe they’re offering you less per season than Burnett!

Andy Pettitte, Nov. 22, 2010, 3:37 pm:

Tell CASHman you’re thinking about retiring. Works. Every. Time.

Mariano Rivera, Nov. 22, 2010, 9:07 pm:

You know Derek, 3 years and $45 million isn’t so bad. Jesus is everything!

Alex Rodriguez, Nov. 23, 2010, 4:31 pm:

Cameron Diaz. Your move, Captain.

C.C. Sabathia, Nov. 26, 2010, 9:32 am:

We gotta talk. Free for lunch? Buffet! I’m buying.

A.J. Burnett, Nov. 28, 2010, 10:01 pm:

I can’t believe they’re offering you less per season than Burnett!

Nick Swisher, Nov. 30, 11:42 am:

WHAT UP BRAH?

Alex Rodriguez, Dec. 1, 3:11 am:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Brian Cashman, Dec. 2, 6:21 pm:

No hard feelings?

The New York Yankees: One big, happy family.

Two posts into my not-so-illustrious NotGraphs career, and they’ve both been about Derek Jeter. I’m sorry. For your sake and mine, let’s pray this gets resolved before next Tuesday.

If you need me, I’ll be in my backyard, hunting.

Image courtesy Greg Schmigel.

Please indulge me for a moment. I’m a new contributor to NotGraphs, and I’d like to — briefly but not briefly enough — introduce myself.

My name’s Dayn. I’m a regular contributor to FOXSports.com (much like Yahoo!’s sacred exclamation mark, the capitalized “FOX” is a non-negotiable flourish), and I’m the author of two books. This one isn’t very good, but this one isn’t half-bad (evidence: my mom and wife are both fond of it). I can also be found in this space, spit-balling about this and that before a rapt audience of two or three.

As for the sport that binds us, I’m a St. Louis Cardinals fan, but I’m fully capable of putting on my big-boy, objectivity breeches when talking about them in a professional context. I also enjoy wood-fired pizza, alcohol and naps.

But enough about me. I’m honored to be here, and already my love for you, gentle reader, is both boundless and without bound. And with that, I leave you with this …

Last night, Texas Governor Ricky Perry, making an appearance on TV’s The Daily Show, meditated briefly on the fate of very coveted free agent Cliff Lee.

Via the magic of the internet, you can watch the Perry interview in its entirety by clicking here. If that appeals to you zero percentedly, this is no problem, as the good people of Los That Sports Blog have transcribed the relevant exchange.

Boom, blockquote:

Stewart: “So in your mind… when did Washington go off the rails?”

Gov. Perry: “About a century ago, actually.”

Stewart: “Seriously?”

Gov. Perry: “Wilson, and the Progressive movement started. The Sixteenth Amendment, giving them the opportunity to take your money with the personal income tax. That’s the reason Cliff Lee is gonna stay in Texas…”

Having spent some time in Dallas, I can say two things about it: for one, it’s absolutely awash in public restrooms and, for two, you have to remove your shoes in order to enter it.

That I’ve only ever been to the airport part of it might color my experience of the city, however.