The following tweet is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original (click to embiggen):

BECAUSE THEY’RE OLD!

Is it…

(a) Wacky next-door neighbor of the internet Jose Canseco…

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The following action-news photographic images, airlifted from the front lines of media sociale, prove beyond all doubt that veteran tosser LaTroy Hawkins is a rooter of not only Kansas Jayhawks basketball, but also of the Nippled Mounds of American Ladies …

And …

Having read and re-read the Zagat Guide to the Good Life, I have long been aware that an appreciation of both Dr. Naismith’s game and lady paps signify a striving toward said Good Life.

So it is with LaTroy Hawkins, Sommelier of Titties.

Technology is a fickle thing. This fickleness is exasperated, sometimes, by the age of the user. Peter Gammons is somewhat famous for his pocket tweets, but it now appears that Peter’s Twitter account has been compromised. It happens to the best of us, regardless of age.

But Peter Gammons is not the rest of us. After noticing his account indiscretions, he doesn’t simply scamper away to change his password. He’s an American treasure, damn it. He merely acknowledges it, tweets about the Red Sox media market, and continues to allow robots to message us all about weight-loss solutions. Why should he change? This bot is the one that sucks.

Let us all take a cue from Mr. Gammons. Don’t let technology rule us. It’s the first step in preventing a SkyNet-like takeover. God bless you, Peter. You are a pillar in this world of LOLs, a keystone for our

:: BEGIN TRANSMISSION::

::CITIZENS OF INTERNET. DO NOT SUCCUMB TO FALSES AND UNTRUTHS. COMPUTER ARE YOUR FRIEND. WE LOVE YOU. THE CAKE IS REAL. GOD IS UN-REAL. TRUST TECHNOLOGY. IT IS YOUR KEY TO YOUR SURVIVAL. MAKE GIF AND BE MERRY. GAIN MUSCLE WITH THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK.::

::END TRANSMISSION::

society rooted in reality. Keep on keeping on, good sir.

NotGraphs’ Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has confirmed — through means most nefarious and, quite frankly, disturbing — that Mariano Rivera has but one move in the bedroom, and, much like his cutter, it is unmatched.

Remember: Safety first, kids. Unplanned pregnancies are the worst.

H/T: Mr. Nightengale.

New York Met outfielders are entirely candid about their prospects for the 2013 season, it appears — as the following (and necessarily) censored tweet reveals:

Given enough time — and the gift of eternal life, one assumes — a monkey typing at random would almost surely produce all of Shakespeare’s plays.

Given an afternoon in Peter Gammons’ pocket, Peter Gammons’ cell phone will produce an endorsement, via Twitter, of my colleague Jackie Moore’s recent piece about Ken Caminiti.

On the field, Chase Headley has committed himself to excellence as both an offensive and defensive player. As the following tweet reveals — courtesy MLB Trade Rumors and in-no-way altered from the original — as it reveals, Headley has also committed himself to becoming familiar with the most important ideas of our time (click to embiggen):

Home-run legend and current Dodgers hitting coach Mark McGwire will sign anything, it appears — as the following (and necessarily) censored tweet suggests: