Also world peace, ability to fly, and a pony. RT @Ken_Rosenthal: #Mariners want Ellsbury or Choo plus SP.

— Benjamin Gibbard (@Gibbstack) November 6, 2013

Like other artists of note, Benjamin Gibbard didn’t become a towering figure within his chosen genre (in this case, American indie-rock music) by not suffering. In fact, signs point to him having suffered greatly in this life. The evidence is clear: Benjamin Gibbard is a Seattle Mariners fan.

The reader has perhaps heard of this team. An obscure outfit based in this country’s Oregon Territory, the Mariners have actually been an entirely active participant in the Major Leagues of Baseball since 1977. And while the reader would be excused for assuming that the club had taken one or three sabbaticals en route to the present, the record indicates quite clearly that Seattle’s membership has, in fact, been contiguous since the date of their enfranchisment.

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The following tweet is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original (click to embiggen):

The A's @athletics knock out Detroit tomorrow. Big. Daddy. Bowe

— Riddick Bowe (@riddickbowe) October 9, 2013

It would be fair, probably, to say that — so far as the tweet embedded here is concerned, courtesy a certain former heavyweight boxer — it would be fair, probably, to say that Riddick Bowe has (ahem) weighed in on tonight’s Game Five between Oakland and Detroit.

Indeed, let no man suggest that Riddick Bowe has pulled any punches in terms of his thoughts on the likely winner of the ALDS contest to be played this evening.

Surely, two-time champion Riddick Bowe is of the opinion that the A’s have the Tigers on the ropes in this decisive meeting.

Credit to CSN Bay Area’s Casey Pratt for bringing the author’s attention to this raw, raw material.

A tweet larded with hot facts:

At this point — and given that Mariano Rivera will absolutely have an Oregano Rumpus in his honor on Sept. 22 — we are left with no more, no fewer than two possibilities:

1 – Mariano Rivera so loves perennial herbs that he requested that an Oregano Rumpus occasion his retirement from baseball.

2 – That the Yankees’ procurement department wants to present Mariano Rivera with a righteous bag of sweet-ass weed; the Yankees’ promotions department, however, is aware that Floyd, who still uses a pager for Gods’s sake, merely dumped some McCormick’s in a plastic baggy and sold it to procurement at marked-up prices befitting the flawless Sonoma Coma strain. The Yankees’ promotions department is also aware that Mariano Rivera, being a gentleman who respects the rule of law, wants nothing to do with illegal street drugs. Knowing procurement’s insistence on giving Mariano Rivera some weed, though, the promotions department spread the word that it’s actually going to be oregano that he receives, which explains the above tweet. Trust me: That was easier than talking procurement out of giving Mariano Rivera a sack of doobage.

Everyone involved except for procurement is aware that it’s oregano in the Ziploc. This is the case even after procurement bong-smoked the entire bag and, in a panic, replaced what they thought was pot with oregano.

Not so long ago, Adam Jones sounded his conch and let all know that something was about to happen …

As philosopher-kings and tribal warlords alike have told us via oral tradition, there is eating and then there is blood-flesh intake as sating ritual of conquest. So it is with Adam Jones.

If warrior-poet Adam Jones returns to base camp at one o’clock in the morning and announces that he shall smash the loaf of a hoofed beast, then the village elders and virgins shall prepare him what he wants.

Then he shall use his implement of war to eat the brick of entrails before him …

Do not eat. Rather, you should enter into a blood-pact with one’s food. Challenge one’s food to pick up crude tools and swing and thrust and stab at one another astride the glimmering embers of the campfire. The others look on, but they hold back owing to the primordial laws of combat. They dare not intercede.

The food is defeated, but only after the warrior-poet’s skin is peeled back and the nerves that snake through his organs are struck by hurled thunderbolts of a lesser god and then singed to the point of reckoning. Only then are ruins of the man reassembled to form a turret mightier than the one that nearly fell in the food-battle just completed.

When a remade man like Adam Jones looks up from his defeated and pacified platter, he gives off an odor that is at once a the smell of a pumice stone, the smell of ribbons of moonlight through forest canopy and the smell of a dead viking’s last sex act being devoured by gray wolves.

Know that it is because of Adam Jones and Eric Young Jr. before him that there is now a NotGraphs category called Regeneration-Through-Violence Food Consumption.

In the triune interests of baseball, media sociale and dong jokes, I present to you — with minimal commentary — two Tweets that the reader may find of arresting relevance:

and …

It should be noted that neither Tweet is particularly recent, just as it should be noted that each Tweet is particularly timeless.

When he’s not quoting the Bible, Chris Davis takes time on Twitter to answer those who’ve been watching his incredible performance this season.

Don’t be cynical, like our friend Michael in Michigan. Sit back, relax, and enjoy The Chris Davis Show.

@notgraphs Dear Notgraphs, please regard proof of my status as an Ubermensch http://t.co/UjzfCCgTXX

— Derpson (@CanuckAssassin) June 21, 2013

Besides total patience and constant praise, NotGraphs asks almost nothing — and also cash donations wired to anonymous offshore bank accounts — NotGraphs asks almost nothing of its readership. The purpose of this post, however, is to ask something of the readership — namely, to follow the hyperlink within the tweet embedded above and regard how this one guy was acknowledged via social media by championship broadcaster Vin Scully for a moment.

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The following tweet — concerning primarily Miami left-hander Brad Hand’s involvement in the theater arts — is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original (click to embiggen):