Q. Describe the plot of a non-extant Coen Brothers film in fewer than 140 characters.
A. Ahem:
“Adam LaRoche is going to come back. Even if I have to go to Kansas and take him and his cattle to Fla.” –Davey Johnson twitter.com/MLB/status/276…
— MLB (@MLB) December 4, 2012
It’s not over yet.
Sure, Sandy’s waves aren’t beating down the New Jersey shoreline currently, and the flood waters have mostly receded, but super-storm Sandy’s impact is still being felt. My friends in Jersey City — who live a block from an evacuation zone — just got power back. Today. Cable, and normalcy, to follow. There’s still a shortage of hospitals in lower Manhattan. Long Island is not fully powered. Hoboken still has muck to clear. Families still mourn their lost ones and their losses.
The reader will likely have heard by now that free agent Delmon Young pleaded guilty Wednesday to aggravated harassment stemming from an April incident which included the former Tiger and Twin and Ray yelling anti-Semitic remarks outside a New York City hotel (which, if you’re going to do it, is pretty much the place to go around yelling anti-Semitic remarks).
What readers might not know, however, is that Young utilized his court appearance on Wednesday to clear his conscience on some other matters, too — transgressions less of the legal, and more of the moral, variety.
On His O-Swing%: “People always said think outside the box — which, it’s recently come to my attention that box and strike zone aren’t synonymous in this case. That’s on me. That’s Delmon Young’s bad.”
With the rousing success of his projection methodology in a second straight presidential election, proprietor of the internet’s Five Thirty Eight and former baseball-projection savant Nate Silver has captured the attention of Americans everywhere. The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has learned just this morning, however, that Silver will turn his attention away from politics for the moment and attempt to use his skills to reflect upon some other, perhaps more obscure, questions and concerns.
Questions and concerns such as these five:
Who’s Coming to Dinner
Stanley Kramer’s 1967 drama asked the question. Over 40 years later, Silver will endeavor to answer it.
TORONTO — Another day, another Blue Jay headed to the Red Sox, as the exodus from Toronto to Boston continues. Ace, the Blue Jays’ mascot since 2000, will wear a Red Sox uniform next season, and dance atop the dugout at famed Fenway Park, joining what’s now a list of former Blue Jays personnel headed to its divisional rival: manager John Farrell, first-base coach Torey Lovullo (now Boston’s bench coach), and third-base coach Brian Butterfield, who’s agreed to the same position with Boston.
“Like Butter and Torey, my contract was up, too,” explained Ace. “In this economy, I can’t be sitting around waiting for the Blue Jays to call. I’ve got a kid to feed. I know the front office is busy, Alex [Anthopoulos] is looking for a new manager, but this was a business and professional decision, and one that made the most sense for me.”
Ace, the longest-serving member on the Toronto staff, spent 12 years with the Blue Jays, and is regarded as one of the best mascots in the game. According to our sources, he’s signed a three-year deal with the Red Sox, worth $3.5 million.
Matt Cain is starting tonight for the Giants in their elimination game against the Cardinals in San Francisco. He is also having his name inserted into works of literature — or, at least, extant texts — by the author.
Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Matt Cain.
Matt Cain said to his brother, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Matt Cain attacked his brother and killed him.
Then the Lord said to Matt Cain, “Where is your brother?”
“I don’t know,” Matt Cain replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Matt Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch.
Adam made love to his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, “God has granted me another child in place of Matt Cain’s brother, since Matt Cain killed him.”
I’d been to a game in “o.co” or whatever that monstrosity is called. I’d gotten a sunburn on a free ticket given to me because I spent money (yeah, real money) on a Warped Tour ticket, and I remembered the vast expanses of concrete, the Shea-like feel of a 1970’s-era bunker. I remembered too much sun, bad beer and baseball that felt a mile away from my seat even while my neighbor felt like he was in my lap. I remembered understanding why someone might want a new stadium if this was their stadium.
But fellow FanGraphs writer Wendy Thurm got tickets and couldn’t make every game, so I ponied up and took my Giants-fan father, who said, sure, but only if it doesn’t rain. They’re a fun story, he said. They’ll be excited, they haven’t been there in a while.
Excited. That was a word for it.
People who search for Detroit Tigers right-hander Max Scherzer on Google also search for great intellectuals and artists of the Western Tradition, thorough research conducted by the author reveals. And Justin Verlander, also.
Click image to embiggen.
I was trying to listen to the game, but turned to the station and heard only silence. “Must be a rain delay,” I told my wife, except — and, please note, this is where events skew decidedly fantastic — except it wasn’t my wife in the next room, but radio voice of baseball’s Milwaukee Brewers, Bob Uecker, instead.
“This is clearly absurd,” I said. “You’re supposed to be in Milwaukee, not in my affordable apartment in Madison.” To which sentiment he responded: “Supposed to? I’m 77 years old, man. My only obligation now is to greet the abyss with something not unlike dignity.”
That was a great moment between us — probably one of my top-five as an adult so far, were I to make a list.
In conclusion:
“this is awesome”
“that is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life”
Watch to the end:
A guffah and a back slap to Dustin Parkes on Getting Blanked at The Score.