Andres Galarraga is definitely inside this box.

Inside of this box has recently been placed a flask of poison, a bit of radioactive material, a Geiger counter, and — largely against his will, it should be said — former Colorado and Montreal first baseman Andres Galarraga (known commonly during his career as The Big Cat). The equipment has been arranged such that, should the Geiger counter detect the decay of even one atom over the next hour, it will release a hammer and shatter the flask of poison, thus killing Andres Galarraga. The likelihood of such a contingency is about 50%.

Questions:

1. An hour from now, when the box is opened, will Andres Galarraga be alive or dead?

2. If Andres Galarraga is alive, how angry will he probably be?

Rays catcher Jose Molina is of course famously renown for his ability to frame pitches for strikes. Less heralded is his ability to frame founding documents — documents smithed in gory glory by that cocksure parliamentarian, Uncle History.

Bear witness, for God and country …

Bedrock Protestant Evangelical Christian principles for a called strike three!

Grab some pine, quislings.

(HT: Idea via Les Carter, attorney to the stars)

Even to this day, experts are uncertain about Derrick Turnbow’s authenticity.

The offseason is an exciting time for general managers. It represents an opportunity to prune a roster which has perhaps become untidy and/or acquire new talent in hopes of winning that next (or first!) championship.

With baseball’s winter meetings nearly upon us, the marketplace for free-agent talent is likely to reach frenzied heights. And while it’s sure to facilitate optimism among all parties involved, it also creates opportunities for fraudulent activity.

Yes, I’m talking about counterfeit major leaguers.

Read the rest of this entry »

It was in 1946. July, I think. The Dodgers were playing the Cardinals. The game got out of hand by the fifth inning or so. The Dodgers were losing big. As I usually did during those times, I began telling stories to break up the monotony of the game. Well, for some reason — and to this day I still can’t for the life of me remember why — I began talking about Brooklyn’s pitcher Kirby Higbe. And I mentioned that though he was getting up there in age, he still was firing a pea of a fastball. Well, this fan that was sitting right in front of the press box took umbrage to that statement, and stood up to tell me so. He started cursing at me telling me I had no idea what I was talking about. Read the rest of this entry »

Mere hours after being formally recognized for his performance at the Arizona Fall League, Chicago Cubs prospect Kris Bryant is demonstrating his skill alongside a different kind of plate — namely, the expensive and decorative sort commonly found at middle-class American wedding receptions.

Read the rest of this entry »

Use a colorful stock photo to attract readers’ attention.

For more than a month, the present author has waged an on-again, off-again with a very persistent ear infection — a condition itself which appears to have developed owing largely to the dimensions of the author’s left Eustachian tube, which is roughly the size of an infant child’s. That’s the medical explanation distilled to its essence, at least.

A week of antibiotics did little to address the problem, initially. A second week — in this case, of steroids administered both orally and by way of the ear canal — helped some. The most recent treatment, however — of a second, more efficient antibiotic (according to the doctor) — has produced tangible results so far as the health of the ear in question is concerend. What else it’s done is to cause within the author’s body a condition that isn’t but ought to be known as Gastrointestinal Melee 5000.

Indeed, a brief inspection of the fact sheet for the drug in question reveals that users of same frequently observe selles molles. An exercise in euphemism, is how one ought to regard this.

At the very least, this (admittedly minor) ordeal has created a flimsy pretense upon which it is now possible to produce Internet Weblog Content. It has occurred to the author that it might be amusing to attribute to each major-league club the most common “side effect,” as it were, of cheering for same.

Read the rest of this entry »

There either is or isn’t an actual Czech folk song regarding the successful construction of a new baseball field. What follows either is or isn’t a translation of that same folk song’s lyrics into English by the author.

In the middle of Czech Republic, a new baseball field was built!
Syn, slaughter the fatted calf.
Dcera, prepare a stew from harvested vegetables.
In the middle of Czech Republic, a new baseball field was built!
Tonight, we abandon reason for pleasure.

Read the rest of this entry »

NEW YORK — Major League Baseball and FanGraphs, in an effort to have people shut up about Miguel Cabrera, Mike Trout, and the American League MVP Award for one goddamned second, have teamed up to announce the creation of a new award, the Mike Trout Award, a source from the commissioner’s office told NotGraphs on condition of anonymity. An official announcement is expected Friday afternoon.

The Mike Trout Award will be given annually to Mike Trout, for being the best player in baseball, and to a player in the National League who represents the essence of Mike Trout by leading the National League in Wins Above Replacement, as calculated by FanGraphs. It’s hoped that the Trout Award will mercifully end the debate between the Baseball Writers Association of America, fans, and sabermetricians everywhere — mostly on the Internet — over who are definitively baseball’s most valuable players every year. Because after two years, it’s fucking exhausting.

The Trout Award was to have been created for the 2014 season and beyond, but after Trout versus Cabrera Part II in the American League, MLB, and especially Commissioner Bud Selig, who acted “with a sense of urgency,” according to our source, pushed up the award’s timeline.

“Seriously, no one at MLB really cares who wins the MVP awards,” our source said via email. “We just mostly want not to receive angry phone calls and emails and even one weird — and pretty graphic — fax, which we suspect was sent by Mr. Brian Kenny. In any case, we believe the Trout Award is the perfect solution to stop the insanity.”

The winners of the Trout Award — Mike Trout and Andrew McCutchen — will be presented their awards on Monday in a ceremony at MLB headquarters in New York City.

Ceats

— Ben Revere (@BenRevere9) November 13, 2013

At the beginning, which is also kinda the end, of Orson Welles’ 1941 cinema classic Citizen Kane, newspaper magnate Charles Foster Kane whispers a single word, rosebud, before shuffling off this mortal coil. The search by a reporter, Jerry Thompson, for the possible relevance of that word to the life of the famous and troubled Kane serves as the device by which the film is driven forward. Ultimately, Thompson’s search is fruitless — even as the mystery is resolved for the viewer in the film’s closing frames.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hey, can we agree on one thing? It's time to permanently retire Reggie Jackson's nickname http://t.co/8PP8AuwYoT

— robneyer (@robneyer) November 4, 2013

When Rob Neyer says “jump,” the present author is compelled to inquire as to which altitude might most satisfy him. And when Rob Neyer suggests by way of social media that Reggie Jackson’s nickname ought to be retired, the author says, “Hear, hear” — and whatever is the equivalent of “hear, hear” in at least three or four of the Romance languages.

What else the author says is: “There are other nicknames that ought to be retired, as well.” Nicknames like the following, for example, which are entirely authentic and not just produced by pairing randomly generated player pages from Baseball Reference with choice phrases from Yelp reviews.

1. Neil “Bacon Dust” Allen

Read the rest of this entry »