Archive for Stupid Photo Essay

We weren’t all born as beautiful as Gabe Kapler. But we were born better looking than the ugly ones, so we can get a little happiness from the downward social comparison that is picking the All Ugly Team.

Also, let’s be clear. Your faithful correspondent is placing himself as the bench coach of this team. Ugly enough to belong, but not ugly enough to lead the team. Plus, we know that God Loves Ugly, so there’s that. And! I’ve never played a second of organized ball for a dime, so they have all got something on me, and most of you I presume.

But we can still have a little fun with this, can’t we?

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Maddening.

Baseball, and life, can sometimes devolve into a spiral of sounds and colors. Drunken sailors on this choppy sea, we try to find one thing to hang on to before it slips away again and leaves us bewildered. In and out and up and down and yet we try to come back to that one, stable anchor in our vision. Your own hand at the bar. That woman’s foot. The gleaming brass doorknob. That white pillow. But it’s folly — you’ll eventually end up rolled up in a ball in the bathroom, screwed up and hurting, recounting the moments that led you down this path. How did this happen?

You missed last Wednesday’s action, you say? Well, you, presumptive fan of the AL East, may cast your eyes on the following visual illustration for an instant “thousand words” recap:

LESSON LEARNED: Sometimes life gives you Wok bm ppppppppppppppppppppppppp and sometimes life gives you .po.

Super Pavario 1UPs the Royals on the strength of the Elusive Mustache.

Something was different when Carl Pavano entered the Twins clubhouse yesterday. You guessed it. The bodacious fork duster that garnered Pavano notoriety during the 2010 season had returned for a one night tour in the Twins’ season finale. That mustache, along with Pavano, was tasked with keeping the Twins from the dreaded “100-loss” stigma that goes with, well, losing about 61.7 percent of the games you play in a given season.*

Pavano did just that — out-dueling Klaasen-crush Sweet Chen Music — in tossing a complete-game shutout which provided a great send-off for retiring radio broadcaster John Gordon, who had the thrill of calling a walk-off win his final game as a simulcast for the last few innings.

Pavano mustache-waxed poetic after the game, offering the following gems:

“It was actually an accident. I meant to go with handlebars. On this side, I had a ski accident five or six years ago where I hit a tree. So, it really doesn’t grow good over here. Like, really terrible. So, I ended up growing a mustache because I didn’t want to go totally bare. It’s kind of funny how it worked out right there. It was the first mustache I had all year. I tried everything else. I don’t even know what to say. Everyone wants to point to the ‘stache. I’m not that superstitious, but I was trying to have a little fun. We definitely had a some fun tonight winning the ballgame. So, whatever you gotta do. Maybe it will be back in spring training, I don’t know. The elusive mustache…”

-and-

“‎Not that I’m happy about losing 99, but it’s a lot better than a fuckin’ hundred, to be honest with you.”

Clearly, if the Twins want to contend in 2012, they may want to add a facial hair incentive in Pavano’s contract.

*Only applies to modern-day, 162 game scheduling.

We’re always trying to search for meaning here, even (especially?) among the Joe West ejections and hot GIF action posts. So when we hit this next picture from a Mets game, it was clear that the search must continue. Why? Why?

Can you spot the second meme?

Well, so, yeah. Why? I mean we can find the original Banaphone song by Raffi and there’s little that seems to predict the explosion of an internet meme. The word ‘ring’ might make up half of the lyrics, and the topics, yeah he sings for children:

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1) Actually, that title is somewhat of a misnomer. This first balk is, like, totally obvious.

Show #9 (Season 2)
“The Unnatural”
Larry’s softball team has a chance of winning the championship, but with their star player unavailable, Larry’s hopes of winning the coveted trophy might rest on Balki’s shoulders.

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It’s hard to say really what’s best about this photo. First of all, let me set the scene. It’s a Marlins game, sometime between 1993 and now. Not many folks showed up.

With the scene sufficiently set, let’s turn our eyes to what exactly makes the picture great. The black cat no doubt is the focal point. No word yet on if he was tased or tazed or tasered, or however you spell it, but I’m guessing not. Chances are, the right fielder was late in coming out for the top of the inning, and the impressionable youngster was just trying to lend a hand to the homestanding Fish. What a trooper.

The face of the young boy is noteworthy, though I can’t take my eyes off his plunging neckline. Who lets their kid out of the house in such an outfit? (Columnist note: Probably the same ones who let him sit at a Marlins game unattended in the front row.)

The man in the middle acts unimpressed; he’s a Marlins season ticket holder. NOTHING impresses him anymore. Besides, if this cat is any good, he’ll be dealt to the American League in six years for a fishing license and a couple of lures.

That brings us to the woman on the right. Yep, she’s the one that makes the photo. It’s hard to tell if  possible she’s having a laugh, throwing a piece of popcorn down the old hatch, or having a coronary, but one thing about photography that is great is that it doesn’t matter. The look on her face is hilarious.

And for that, ma’am, we here at NotGraphs salute you.

(Props to MLB’s Facebook page for the photo)

In the great tradition of that one weird girl from your high-school newspaper, NotGraphs once again presents a Stupid Photo Essay. Never hard to read, because it barely has words: that’s the Stupid Photo Essay way.

In this edition of Stupid Photo Essay, we present Mike Trout’s three-run jimmy-jack against Anthony Vasquez (video) from Tuesday night.

Let’s see what our photo essay reveals!

1. Mike Trout jimmy-jacks Vasquez’s 63 mph curveball.

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Everyone who’s anyone knows that photo essays are preferable to real-live essays, on account of they (i.e. photo essays) demand considerably less of both the writer and reader.

It’s with that in mind that we present this, a photo essay of Brandon Allen’s upper-deck home run (video) at Yankee Stadium from Tuesday night.

1. Brandon Allen faces, and makes loud contact off of, one of the few players in the league with a larger body mass than himself.

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