Archive for Spotted

Things are never what they used to be. Take a moment, if you would, and think back on your own childhood. Saturday mornings teemed with cartoons. You would go off and play and your parents would have no idea where you were for hours, sometimes weeks. Cereal had toys in it. Trick-or-treating took place in actual neighborhoods instead of malls and parking lots. The summer movie season was full of films being made for the first time.

Given these facts, as well as the human tendency to selectively remember only the positive things about the past, it’s difficult not to read into every new piece of news as the next step in the inevitable decay of society. Change is lame, we must admit, but not all change is loss; there are things we don’t remember, or never knew, about our idyllic histories that needed to change for the better. We must struggle to see the inequalities in our society, to envision the entire equation, and not merely rage against our own minute sense of loss as time passes.

One knows this. One trains for this. One keeps it lodged near his heart, lets it hurt him once in a while to remind him that it is there. And then one finds this.

Read the rest of this entry »

First, Colombia was inhabited by indigenous peoples like the Muisca, Quimbaya, and Tairona. Then, in the 16th century, it was conquered by the Spanish. Then, in 1986, Steve Brown was born in Barranquilla.

In these vacuum-tube-powered pages I have previously rhapsodized on the artfulness and smoldering spiritual utility of Jack Chick tracts. Without them, young Evangelicals would be far less afflicted, and who needs that?

So it is with a minister’s righteous sense of mission that while at Comerica Park, Detroit, U.S.A., America, I happened upon this …

I read it immediately and discovered that the main character, John, had some misgivings about organized religion. For that, he died and is, as we speak, being cooked in hell. His wife and children, however, paid obeisance to the relevant jurisdictional authorities and were similarly rewarded with death.

Know this, rat-sinner, if you go to a ballgame, a wind-blown Jack Chick tract will find you.

Spotted by the author — and probably other people — during the fourth inning of tonight’s Tigers-Angels game, it’s the shadowy spectre of America’s One, True Power Agent™:

Scene: a crowded cafeteria in a middle school lunch room. A group of young girls are sitting at a table, eating Greek yogurt. Another young lady takes a seat at the table, and begins talking.

Savannah: Oh. My. God. You guys. Have you heard about Scott?

Madison: No. What?

Kelli: Duuuuuh. He and Boston broke up. He’s with Arizona now. That happened like a week ago.

Aurora: Nuh uh, Scott and Arizona are broken up now. Tyffani told me that Arizona only went out with Scott because she wanted to get with Matt Albers. She totally used him.

Savannah: Yeah, but guess what? Destiny told me that Regan said that Kaylee heard from Audra that Zoe read on Peyton’s Twitter that Scott and Boston were back together.

Aurora, Kelli, Madison, in unison: SHUT UP!

Savannah: Totally. I talked to Makayla and she told me that Aubree saw them making out by Harper’s locker.

Madison: I always knew they’d get back together. They made such a cute couple. When Philadelphia dumped Scott, and then he started going out with Boston, it just made sense, ya know?

Aurora: Yeah, but what about Craig? Wasn’t Boston going out with him after she broke up with Scott?

Kelli: I think they’re still friends. I mean, Craig’s nice, but Boston can do way better than a LOOGY.

Aurora: Totally.

Madison: Totally.

Savannah, to Kelli: So are you gonna go out with Craig now that he’s single?

Kelli: NO! I mean, I guess he’s cute or whatever…

Savannah: I KNEW IT! You love Craig! You’re gonna have all his babies!

Kelli: No I’m not!

Madison: You guys. Shut up. Here comes Scott.

Scott, walking by the table: Hello.

All Girls: Hiiiiii Scott.

Scott passes.

Aurora, whispering at first: Oh. My. God. He’s so cute. Boston is so lucky. I bet they’ll be together forever.

The bell rings. The girls disperse and walk to their respective classes. Kelli got a B- on her math test, which she found to be totally gay.

According to his wikipedia page, Antone Williamson “played first base, and occasionally pinch-hit.”

More specifically, he was the Brewers’ first round pick in 1994, taken fourth overall as a 20-year-old out of Arizona State. The Brewers took Williamson ahead of the likes of Nomar Garciaparra, Paul Konerko, and Jason Varitek. Despite the fact that he never really mastered a level in the minors, the Brewers promoted Williamson aggressively, and he reached the big leagues in 1997, when he posted a .517 OPS in 60 PAs.

He returned to the minors the next year, played another couple seasons in the Brewers system, then played one year in an independent league before retiring as a player. After that, your guess is as good as mine. I couldn’t find any recent articles that hint at where he is today, or what he might be doing, in baseball or otherwise.

I’ve joked about Williamson — as recently as this spring — with friends who are Brewers fans. The fact that he was one of the biggest busts in Brewers draft history (perhaps MLB draft history) means that he will never be completely forgotten by the dedicated fans of my generation, but to see his jersey last night at Miller Park was sort of a surprise.

Irony, thrift, unfulfilled optimism, or wild pathos? You decide.

The way I see it, there is a limited number of explanations that could explain why this man is wearing this jersey — which, by the way, hales from the era of the most hideous uniforms in Brewers history — and how it came to be in his possession:
Read the rest of this entry »

Nothing screams summer like playing a nice game of simulated baseball with a the “Official Jackmster Baseball Knife”.

Who needs to carry around a complete Strat-o-matic game when the game can be stored in that cool little watch pocket on your jeans. It can played outside and inside (until mom finds out). Best of all, the winner can take home one of the loser’s favorite “Home Run” razor blades.

The reader — knowing something about the old rerum natura, as it were — understands immediately from this image that Southpaw, the official mascot of the Chicago White Sox, will use the horse also pictured here towards the end of satisfying his appetite.

What we can’t know — can only speculate upon — is if that appetite is gastronomic or sexual in nature.

On May 20th, the Tampa Bay Rays broadcast team is going to invite a former STATS Inc. intern, a Stanford economics graduate, a former All-American athlete, a College World Series record holder, a diabetic, a man with a Wikipedia page containing over 6,300 words in it, a man who eats bullets washed in the tears of his enemies and a few of his friends, and an active major league baseball player in the booth.

Figured it out yet?

THEY’RE ALL ONE PERSON.

That’s right, Mr. Super Sam Fuld will be joining the Tampa Bay Rays broadcast team in the booth to talk about sabermetrics. What?! That’s right. Those fancy acronumbers and oozer ratings.
Read the rest of this entry »

Went to the Brewers-Reds game last night at Miller Park. Decent amount of Reds fans there in a modest crowd (27,000-ish).

Often, I make a point of taking noticing the most popular jerseys worn by the visiting team’s fans. Joey Votto was pretty popular, of course. Saw a few Johnny Bench’s. Strangely, I don’t recall seeing any Brandon Phillips jerseys.

But I did see this:

I sought him out to shake his hand.

Read the rest of this entry »